Vermillion
by silhouetics
Summary: SEQUEL TO BLOODFLOWERS. After nearly being murdered, Bella wakes up in Forks hospital with new eyes and a new perspective. Will Edward and Bella's relationship survive this latest obstacle, or will it destroy them? OOC. Dark themes.
1. Prologue: Lonely Soul

_**AN: **Howdy. If there are people here that are following me from part 1, you're awesome. ;) and if you're a new reader, welcome! I would recommend that you read part one to this story called **Bloodflowers** as this is the sequel as things might get confusing. As always, thank you to my beta, Jen, who makes me step back and really think about the quality of this story. I love you._

**Disclaimer for all chapters: I own nothing.**

**PART II: VERMILLION**

**Prologue:  
**_Chapter Song: Lonely Soul by Unkle_

* * *

"Hell is oneself. Hell is alone. The other figures in it, merely projections.

_**T.S Eliot**_

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_**BPOV:**_

___Where on earth am I?_

I shrank down into the velvet couch that was placed in the center of a small room. The walls were completely tiled. The smell of rotting fruit was overwhelming. There were no windows, only candlelight dimly lighting designated areas of this derelict room. There was a large, dirty mirror and a clock above it directly in front of me.

I stared at my reflection, only seeing myself from the chest up. There was something very wrong.

I looked as if I had died.

My face no longer was round, all my baby fat gone. My normally stained cheeks showed no sign of color. My skin clung to my bones, almost making me look skeletal. There was no fat on me at all. Why am I so skinny? The light that was normally in my eyes had burned into oblivion.

I was suddenly very aware of my surroundings. I could hear every noise, see every piece of furniture (or lack thereof) and the way that fear lingered in the air was damp on my lungs. I shifted uncomfortably, the smooth velvet couch making no sound from my agitated movements. I stared nervously at the clock, growing increasingly anxious for reasons I did not know.

_Tick, tock. Tick, tock._

I looked down at my hands and yelped.

My hands were shaking so badly I couldn't control it even if I could work up the energy to do so. My hands were stained with dried blood and my wrists were firmly bandaged. Fresh blood stained the white fabric. My breaths came out in frantic pants, beads of sweat dripping down my neck.

_What the fuck is happening?_

"He'll be here soon, Isabella." A melodic, but lifeless voiced spoke in a near whisper. I nearly screamed when I saw ruby eyes staring at me. She looked exactly the same as the last time I saw her. Messy, dirty hair. Baggy, blood stained shirt. The dead look in her eyes...

"Malice?" I asked in a whisper, far too afraid to speak any louder. It was as if the walls could hear my every word.

He's always punctual." the same voice, but different, more _alive, _sounded to my left. I didn't have to look to know who it was. I slowly turned to my left, where Malice was now looking. If Malice was here, then it could only be Alice. My imaginary Alice. Her grey eyes were alert and wide. A storm was brewing behind her irises.

"He's never been late. Not once."

"Do you think he'll do what he said he would last time?" Malice was staring at Alice without actually looking at her. Her red eyes were glowing in this dimly lit space. I was still shaking terribly, trying to piece this complicated puzzle together. I didn't have any pieces at all, and I was left scratching my head. This was just not making any sense. "You remember, don't you, sister?"

"If course I do. And _don't_ call me sister." Alice hissed.

"Oh come on now," Malice scolded Alice. She sounded like she might die of boredom. "You and I have grown to be quite close in recent times. We both realize that we are simply liabilities in the scheme of things. There's a bigger threat in the picture."

"What do you mean?" I asked. I didn't receive an answer.

"He's never late." Alice whispered again.

I pinched my arm, trying to wake up from this dream. This had to be a nightmare, right? A scary as hell, lucid and vivid nightmare that was scaring the living daylights out of me. Instead of waking up, I was greeted with the sharp pinch of skin between my nails. I groaned and sank even further into my seat. I could feel Alice scooting closer to me, and Malice staring at me with a look in her eye I couldn't decipher.

"What _are_ you doing?" Malice asked me invidiously. She was playing with a letter opener, grinning with delight as she accidentally sliced her finger open. Specks of blood trickled down her finger. She licked the blood away. "Ooh, goodie."

"And you called us sisters. You're sick. I hope you know that."

"I really wish you'd just fuck off already."

"You're not real so why don't _you_ fuck off."

"Uh, newsflash? You're not real either. We can see which one of us is brighter in the brain department."

"Just a dream, just a dream." I kept whispering as my hands covered my ears. I was rocking back and forth like a child cowering from the monster under their bed. Why am I here? Maybe this isn't a dream... This felt too real to be a hallucination... Maybe I have well and truly lost the plot here.

"You've always been a little crazy, even before I died." Alice said sadly.

"But you never died."

"Everybody dies, Bee."

"Shrinks are blaming it on her abusive upbringing." Malice muttered as she wiped her blood stained fingers on my jeans. I shuddered in discomfort as she smiled insidiously. "Load of bullshit, if you ask me."

"Would you just shut up?" I cried out as the clock chimed three times; the signal of a new hour. The door opened immediately and the three of us snapped our heads toward the direction of the man now standing in the doorway. Loud, confident footsteps echoed in my eardrums as he sat down across from me. My heart was beating so loudly I feared it would explode from my aching chest.

Why wasn't he looking at me?

"Edward, what am I doing in here?" I asked, immediately standing up. Both Malice and Alice grabbed my hands and pulled me back down to sit. When I was about to ask what their problem was, the words died right in my throat.

There was something wrong with Edward.

"I've asked you many a time not to call me Edward, Isabella. You know that is not my name. And you know exactly why you are here."

"I don't understand..."

He sighed, and finally looked at me. The blood that ran freely in my veins froze in place. I couldn't breathe. Edward was... is... _Dead_.

His flesh was decaying, his hands already skeletal. His clothes were covered in maggots and dirt. His lips were blue and rotting. The smell of rotting fruit was so repugnant I dry retched. He stared at me malevolently, as if somehow wishing me to drop dead on the spot.

"You know why you are here." He repeated.

"No... You're... Dead."

Malice inhaled sharply while Alice groaned loudly.

"You _really_ shouldn't have said that." Alice sighed.

"If I can't call you Edward... What do I call you then?"

"Doctor Masen is sufficient enough."

"I call him Deadward. Suits him perfectly don't you think?" Malice said cheerfully.

"I think the name is fucking stupid." Alice muttered.

"Well he _is_ dead, so it makes sense. And you're one to talk, naming me Malice. I mean, come on!"

I couldn't concentrate on anything but _Doctor Masen._ There was nothing left of the man I loved here, just hate manifested into this dead being. I didn't know why I was here or what he wanted with me. He tossed aside his pen and paper and slowly walked toward me. He was taunting me, wanting me to cower in fear.

It worked.

I whimpered as Edward knelt in front of me, stroking my cheek sadistically. His bones felt jagged and rough against my skin. He smiled and leaned closer.

"Wake up, Isabella." He whispered, just centimeters away from my lips.


	2. Chapter 1: Tell Me What To Swallow

**CHAPTER 1: Tell Me What to Swallow**

_Chapter Song: Tell Me What to Swallow by Crystal Castles_

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_"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts.  
__And we are never, ever the same."_

_- Unknown _

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**EPOV:**

"God dammit, breathe! Fucking breathe, _please_!" I could hear Jacob's agonizing cries for almost a mile away, where my car entered the car park of the beach. I quickly put it into park, not bothering to turn it off. I left my keys in the ignition, and my door wide open as I ran down the gravel path that eventually lead to the shores of First Beach. Grand theft auto by a delinquent was the last thought on my mind right now. Hell, my job didn't even matter right now. I knew that I would get in serious trouble for leaving without notifying anyone, but in retrospect; what does that matter?

There was only one thing on my mind right now. They could have the fucking car for all I cared, just as long as Bella was safe. _Please God, don't take her away from me._

I followed his cries, with each step I ran, they became more agonized.

On this isolated strip of ocean and sand, I could see Jacob hovering over a body that was not moving. Unresponsive to his screaming and pleading.

_Bella._

"Don't you fucking give up on me, Bella!" He cried out.

I ran as fast as my feet would take me, fast, but not fast enough. The magnet pull that I was so accustomed to whenever Bella was around was like a vice grip across my chest. It ached, strained and constricted with each breath of air my lungs cried out for. I was surprised that my heart didn't slice into several pieces from the grip as hard as steel. Jacob was yelling incoherently, the muscles in his arms flexing and constricting.

_He's performing CPR. Bella's not breathing_.

I realized when she was in my sight. My knees met the sand with a crash, my hands immediately over Bella's pale, lifeless face.

"Call a fucking ambulance!" I screamed at Jacob as if he did this to her. It was wrong of me, I know, because if he was not here who knows where her body would be. Would her slender, but athletic frame be dancing lifelessly with seaweed hundreds of meters down in the ocean? Would we ever have found her? Bella's face was as cold as death, the beautiful blush that flowed across her cheeks no longer there. Her lips were purple and blue.

"I already called an ambulance! Shit, I don't know how long she hasn't been breathing for!"

"Call Carlisle!"

My hands replaced Jacob's as he called my adoptive father. My hands furiously pounded against Bella's ribs, one, two, three, before my lips covered hers, blocking her nose with my two fingers, pouring air into her lifeless lungs. Her chest rose, but as I pulled away, the air didn't circulate. Her chest was not rising.

"You can't leave me!" I screamed at Bella like she could hear me, wherever she was right now. I wish she'd open her eyes and smile at me, saying this was all a joke; tasteless and God awful, but still a joke. I would take it gladly to have her shining chocolate brown eyes glowing brilliantly. "Remember our promise, Bella? You have to fight for me! Fight for me, for Alice, for your family! For all of us!"

_One, two, three._

_One, two, three._

_One, two three._

"We've done that, she's not breathing, Carlisle! …Yes. Yes. Do you think we haven't done that already? _She's. Not. Breathing! _I don't know! She would have been under at least two minutes before I pulled her to the surface."

As I desperately poured my own air through Bella's passageway, my mind quickly did the math of how long Bella would have been dead for. I was already running for my car when Jacob called me. It took me five minutes to get here, because I was doing nearly two hundred miles instead of the legal fifty.

Seven minutes.

My hope for Bella's survival was rapidly diminishing. I wasn't a doctor, but I knew that this was very bad. We could only try reviving her for another minute or so and then we'd have to stop. She'd be severely brain damaged if we couldn't revive her after ten minutes.

"It was Renee... Yes I'm positive it was her... Look, I know it was her, okay? Do that... Yes. Hurry!"

A strangled cry came from deep within my chest... No... My heart. My heart was imploding within the depths of my ribcage, damaged beyond repair. It couldn't ever be, if this was Bella's fate. If Bella dies, _I _die... and I would seek revenge on the woman that took her away from me.

I was raised to never harm a woman, but right now, I was out for Renee Higgenbotham's blood.

The faint sound of sirens resonated in the distance, but my hope was dwindling. With all of the strength my aching muscles could gather, I delivered one last hit against Bella's ribcage, the bones crunching and cracking beneath my aching, protesting hands.

A loud, choking gasp sliced through my eardrums.

My hands immediately pulled away from Bella as water poured from her mouth by the bucket load. Jacob tilted her head to her left, making sure she wouldn't choke. Bella's eyes fluttered open, searching for something for a moment before they closed again. Her grip for a millimeter of a second on my bicep was firm, but fell to the sand. Her chest was rising, but very shallow, slowly.

"Don't move her. I might have broken a rib or two. Did she land on her back when she hit the water?" I frantically asked as I hovered over Bella. She was shaking violently. She must be freezing.

"She landed feet first. But it was a steep fall, Edward. I... I wouldn't risk moving her right now. When she hit the water it was like a fucking thunderclap." Jacob's voice was like a guitar string that was wound too tight, on the verge of breaking. I felt exactly the same right now. I was just waiting for the final tug for my soul to snap.

"Please go to my car, get blankets, anything you can find to keep her warm. I'm parked in the car park. It's open." Jacob didn't need telling twice, running toward my car like a torpedo.

I quickly peeled my jacket off of me and put it over Bella as she continued to regurgitate excessive amounts of water from her mouth. She was convulsing, almost like a fish out of water. I didn't know what to do. What the fuck was I going to do? She was choking on the saltwater, her lungs pleading for air that she could not inhale just yet. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt hot tears dripping on my hands.

Her eyes fluttered open again, frantic but unfocused.

"Isabella? Bella, baby?" I nearly whispered. Saying her name broke my already crumbling resolve. Her hand twitched as she tried to reach for me. I never called her Isabella. It hurt all that much more.

"No… You're... dead..." She spoke in a quiet murmur, as if she was in another world. Her voice sounded raw before she fell unconscious again.

I could hear several car doors closing, and dozens of footsteps running in our direction. I briefly looked up to see not only the paramedics, but Carlisle, Alice, Jasper and Charlie running toward us.

"Wake up, Isabella. Please. Don't die, baby." I whispered to the love of my life as she was whisked away from my arms, her fate only in God's hands now.

* * *

When you spend years with your significant other, subtle changes barely appear to the naked eye. You grow accustomed to seeing them every day, looking but not really seeing. Your lover could lose weight gradually over time and because you see them every day, the changes are harder for you to see. The love and warmth that they exude could slowly evaporate into nothingness, and again, you'd barely notice a change until it was too late.

But how come I have been watching Bella, and noticing every change that has been happening to her since day one?

When I saw her for the first time a little over two years ago, I knew her presence before I saw her. I felt a magnetic pull toward her, a bright neon sign bright above her, begging me to steal a glance across the room. And when I saw her, my heart skipped a beat. I immediately knew that she would change my life permanently. She felt the magnetic pull too, without even looking at me for weeks... and when she did... Fuck it felt euphoric.

When she gasped, I just _knew_ that I was going to marry her someday. I was in love with her from the moment I saw her.

Was it normal that I was so aware of everything that had to do with her? I have never been so attuned to somebody before like I am with Isabella Swan. I wanted her to take my name. I wanted a family. Little Edwards and Bellas. Grandchildren. The whole nine fucking yards. Without hesitation I could say that we were made for each other. There was no one else on this world that could connect with me on the level Bella has, and when she would look at me, I knew she felt the same.

No, our relationship was far from normal. It's damn extraordinary... And it could all be taken away from us. The life we gradually built together, the future we anticipated for...

It scared me that the little things like the sound of her voice, the way my fingers set her skin ablaze every time I touched her, her flushed cheeks and breathtaking smile were becoming nothing more than a distant memory in my mind. Being in this hospital room, watching the days roll by in the blink of an eye, I've watched Bella disappear before my very eyes, and it scared me.

"Here." Alice whispered. I slowly opened my eyes. They stung from the bright fluorescent lighting, and black spots inhabited much of my vision. I blinked erratically, trying to clear my vision. Through hooded eyes I looked at Alice before I took the Styrofoam cup from her hands, mumbling a quiet thank you. I didn't bother to drink the hot cup of coffee in my hands, knowing that no hot liquid could warm my freezing body. No warmth would flow through me until Bella woke up. _If_ she woke up.

It's been twelve days since she was nearly murdered...

And she has yet to wake up.

Not long after she was transported to Forks Hospital, a search for Renee was conducted through every inch of La Push and Forks. There was no trace of her left behind. It was almost as if she vanished in to thin air. I didn't doubt for a second that Jacob was lying, because when I checked my phone, there were several messages left from the ward where Renee was held, and from Rosalie, who was still listed as our lawyer.

Renee managed to escape, thanks to inside help, who also vanished mysteriously.

How could Renee hate her own flesh and blood as much as she does? I just couldn't fathom it. Bella, despite all of the wrongdoings that she has been through is still a good person. She loved with her entire heart, never holding back. But although Renee too, has had her own demons that plagued her, I cannot say the same thing about compassion, for she held none. To say that she was absolutely and utterly evil would be kind words.

Charlie has barely slept these past twelve days, trying to find her, probably even to end her life. If I knew that Bella was okay, I would probably do the same. I have never felt a desire to kill so strongly in my entire life. The fierceness to protect Bella was so strong, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I would kill for Bella, I loved her that much. The blood would stain my hands until the day I died, but if it meant that Bella was alive, happy and still in love with me, I would not care. I would go to hell for such actions, but it would all be worth it in the end. I would go through hell and back several times over for her.

I was fucking falling apart. There was no other way to describe it. I was hanging on a thing piece of string, dangled over a sky scraper. At any moment that thread would break, and I would crash toward the concrete below.

Not knowing whether Bella would survive or not plagued me. During the rare moments when I actually slept, her face haunted my dreams. Seeing her lifeless body played in my mind, over and over like a broken record, and each and every time I felt my heart break that extra piece. I was scared to death that Bella was going to leave me behind in this world, cruelly taken away from me, like running water escaping my fingertips effortlessly.

And to add to this fucking load, something in my gut was telling me that Bella was not really resting peacefully, wherever she was right now. My gut feeling intensified, as if screaming at me _you're right._

No... She is in a coma. Unconscious. She probably isn't even dreaming, or processing anything right now other than her body putting her back together again.

"You need to go home some time, Edward." Alice said quietly. I shook my head no and she sighed loudly. She put her head on my shoulder and held my hand. I laced my fingers with hers and held on tightly. She returned the intensity. "I know you don't want to leave her... But she wouldn't want you sitting here waiting for her to wake up. She'd want you to carry on."

"I can't do that until she speaks the words herself."

I was not going to tell Alice that years ago, Bella made me promise not to put my life on hold for her. Bella would understand... wouldn't she?

"Just have a nap in your own bed. You can't sleep on a plastic chair any more. You look like you haven't slept at all. I'll stay here until you come back."

"I couldn't ask that of you."

"You never need to ask, Edward. I love you as much as I love Bella. I would do anything for you and her. Now please go home and rest for a few hours. I'll call you if anything happens."

"I don't have a choice, do I?"

"Of course not." She said firmly, smiling for the first time in twelve days.

Half an hour later I was walking into the lounge of our home, suddenly feeling lost. There was something different about this room... no, this house. Did Carlisle or Alice move something in here? Or was it because I haven't been here since Bella nearly drowned? I felt like a deer caught in the headlights, staring at the television screen that was still on. The image on the television froze me in place for several minutes.

There was a DVD being watched, but was on pause. Bella and Alice were laying on the very same couch behind me, smiling widely at the camera. _I filmed this. _I was on autopilot as I pressed play. I was immediately transported back in time, to the day this was filmed, just two weeks ago.

"_You're meant to be helping me clean, you two." I scolded playfully. Bella's infectious laughter sounded loudly and maniacally as she entwined her legs with Alice's on the green couch. Alice winked at me, sipping on the mocktail that she made for us all. Glasses were resting on Bella and Alice's bellies._

"_If you expect me to choose domestic chores over Maury Povich, you seriously don't know me at all." Bella's husky, feminine voice filled the silence of the room. Her cheeks were flushed and beautiful. Her eyes were sparkling with light, the way they always did when she looked at me._

"_Come on, Assward, just relax for five minutes and join in on the goodness that is Maury Povich."_

"_Assward. Real mature, Alice in Retardland."_

"_Dude. Not cool."_

"_In the case of three year old, Brian..."_

"_Oh shit, here it comes!" Bella squealed, interrupting our argument._

"_Not the father, not the father." Alice was mumbling to herself, her fingers crossed together hopefully._

"_You are NOT the father!"_

"_OHHHHHHH!" They chimed in unison, sending popcorn everywhere. We were all laughing, Alice and Bella both jumping up and down. Bella skipped toward the camera, still grinning from ear to ear._

_She looked so beautiful, in my baseball jersey and black skinny jeans. Her hair was in a bun, and she was wearing no makeup. Her lips were plump and full, her cheeks bright pink. She sighed softly, reaching for my hand._

"_So," she whispered, still looking directly into the camera's lens, where my eyes hid behind. "Are you going to tell me what you got me for my birthday?"_

"_Nope. It's a surprise."_

"_I don't like surprises." She said playfully._

"_You'll _love _this one, baby."_

I ripped the DVD cord out of its socket violently, and threw the DVD player across the lounge room. watched as it plummeted through a window shattering glass everywhere. The cords that were attached flew out of the television, and the TV itself crashed to the ground. I realized what was different about the house.

Bella wasn't here.

Without her, this was just a house... Not a _home_. It felt cold and lifeless, like no one had ever lived here before. It was almost as if the house knew that Bella was away, and it was in mourning. I screamed and punched the wall in front of me, plaster colliding with flesh and bone. Searing pain shot through my knuckles, all the way up my arms but I didn't give a damn. I stormed into the bedroom, falling onto the mattress that smelled of strawberries and vanilla. Of Bella.

I wept, my bleeding heart exposed and showing no signs of ever healing again. I punched and kicked until I couldn't do so anymore. I fell into a deep sleep, I think, or somewhere in a world where Bella was alive and well. My mind was playing serious tricks on me right now. She was smiling at me, like she would always do, playing with my fingers absentmindedly. We were laying in my bed, watching the sun rise, blissfully happy under the covers and sheets.

"How did we end up here, right now, in this place?" Was a question she'd always ask me when she was lost for words, but happy. I would smile back at her, watching her cheeks grow scarlet and beautiful as I gave the same answer I'd always give her.

"I have no idea. But I'm thanking my lucky stars."

"There's no such thing as luck, Edward. Just fate."

"And what would you classify as fate, love?"

"You and I. With you by my side, I know I can face anything that the world throws at me."

"I'll always be here." I whispered against her lips.

I jumped in shock, abruptly waking from a sleep I did not know I had succumbed to. I rubbed my eyes furiously, trying to keep myself awake as I answered my screeching phone. I sat up and tossed the covers away from me. My body was immediately assaulted with the cold, crisp air of night time. How long was I out for?

"Hello?" My voice thick with sleep and exhaustion asked.

"Are you okay? You've been gone for six hours." Alice asked in concern. _I was asleep for six hours?_ I rubbed my temples roughly. I had a pounding headache.

"I'm sorry, I fell asleep and lost track of time."

"I'm glad you got some sleep. Esme's here, she brought some dinner. Your favorite, vegetarian lasagna."

"You say that like I'm a vegetarian."

"Yeah, yeah, point is... Shit, wait a second, Edward," My ears strained to hear what was going on, but failed miserably. All I could gather were a couple of mumbled voices, one of them being Alice's. A minute and twenty nine seconds later, her voice was quiet and anxious. "I think you need to get here now."

"What? What's going on?"

"It's about Bella."

"Is she awake?" I nearly screamed into the receiver. I could hear chatter in the background again, but my spirits were now soaring. She wouldn't get my hopes up like this just to say it isn't Bella, right?

"Tell me." Alice's voice sounded grainy and distant. The phone was making a weird brushing noise, like her receiver was rubbing against... fabric, perhaps?

"...Disorientated... Worrying... Miracle..." Were the only words I could decipher in the background. Alice was silent and I started to grow worried. Her feathery footsteps were quick. She was panting slightly. Was she running?

"Alice, you there?"

"Sorry, running to get Carlisle."

"Carlisle? He's there?"

"He's been here as much as you have. Bella's awake, but something is wrong. Hurry."


	3. Chapter 2: Shine

_AN: This chapter is a lot shorter than usual, and for that I apologise. I re-wrote this chapter about four times (I'm not joking) and I was ready to tear my hair out screaming in the process. Chapters will be slower to upload from now on, dear readers, because this story is getting more difficult to write, AND I have uni work beginning to pile up. Le sigh. Thank you to Jen for giving me advice, telling me to stop pushing myself to the point of oblivion, proof of her infinite wisdom :D REVIEW please. Shit's bout to go down, folks ;) All songs to this story are on my profile, if you want to check them out. _

**Chapter 2: Shine**  
_Chapter Song: Shine by Laura Marling_

* * *

_"Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there."_

_- Otomo No Yakamochi _

_

* * *

_

**Bella POV:**

_He smiled and leaned closer._

"_Wake up, Isabella." He whispered, just centimeters from my face._

"_Get away from me!" I pushed him and stood quickly. The scene changed in a blink of an eye, and I found myself surrounded by darkness. A cold, damp feeling washed over me. I wrapped my arms across my chest to create warmth, but pulled my hands back in confusion. I was saturated. Every part of my body was absolutely soaked. I sniffed my damp hair and wrinkled my nose. The smell of salt water was overwhelming and made me dry retch several times. My lungs felt far too constricted. I was choking._

_I put my hands on my knees and tried to breathe. I felt like my lungs were losing the fight for oxygen. I fell to the ground, my knees scraping against gravel and stones._

_Why, even in the darkness did this place somehow seem familiar to me? The sound of crashing waves echoed in the distance and light rain started to kiss my skin. I was barefoot. The soles of my feet felt raw and flaked. Each step I took was extremely painful and labored. I tried to look around, but I couldn't. It was too dark. There was a slight breeze that made my soaked clothes feel like ice against my skin._

_Why isn't there any light? I'm obviously outside, so shouldn't there be a street lamp or something?_

_Arms wrapped around me from behind and I froze in place. The pain in my ribcage was almost unbearable. I was panting so loudly even the weakest of ears would have been able to hear me. A scream was bubbling deep within my chest, but it wouldn't come out._

"_Bella," a calm, gentle voice whispered in my ear._

_It so was damn familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I couldn't recognize it, although I knew I should. I put my hands over the strangers arms, trying to pry them away. But once my skin met his skin, an electric current passed through me._

_I felt safe. Secure. Who could say that they felt safe in the arms of a stranger in complete darkness?_

"_Who are you?"_

"_You know who I am."_

"_I don't..." I tried to turn around, but his arms held me firmly in place. He forced my back to rest against his chest and I could feel his heartbeat. It was welcoming. He rested his chin on the top of my head and sighed ever so softly._

"_Bella, remember."_

"_Remember what?"_

"_Me." He whispered as he let go of me._

**Edward POV:**

The smell of anesthetic and bleach was so strong it made my head spin. Can workers and patients really tolerate the smell for long periods of time? It made me ill. Esme and Alice were quietly mumbling words to each other before Esme turned to me, her eyes sad and understanding.

"I'm going to go in to town. Do you need me to pick up any groceries for you, Edward? You look like you haven't eaten in weeks." She put her hand on my shoulder sympathetically. Jen was asleep in a stroller, blissfully unaware of the turmoil that surrounded her. To have the innocent eyes of a child... I longed for it as much as a junkie needed their fix.

I shook my head no, and she kissed my cheek before she disappeared around the corner.

I suddenly felt extremely guilty for the Cullen's spending most of their time here in the hospital. This was most definitely not the type of environment for a child to be surrounded in day in and day out – I knew all about that. But Jen never cried. Her eyes searched for the eyes that she wanted to stare back at hers – Bella's.

We all cried the day that Jen saw Bella for the first time in hospital. She touched her face, recognizing her. When Bella didn't respond, she looked quizzically at me, as if asking _why won't she wake up_?

It's only been just under two weeks since our lives were turned upside down permanently. I expected us all to be in a completely different place. Call me naive, but I expected Bella and I to be exceedingly happy, floating on a high from her birthday. I still thought of the ring that was now collecting dust in my glove compartment in my car. I came up with so many different scenarios on how to propose to my Bella, eventually deciding on taking her to a meadow I found, a fifteen minute walk from our house. It was a vast space of greenery with purple and yellow blossoms blooming everywhere. Bella would have loved it... and now that all is blowing away with the wind.

I closed my eyes for several seconds, unable to handle the smell of bleach anymore.

They called this particular section of the hospital the _Vermillion _wing. A vivid color somewhere in between bright red and light orange, it made the large, spacious area of the hospital seem anything but. The walls looked much smaller, almost as if they were closing in on me. Whose brilliant idea was it to paint a hospital wing such a virulent color? It reminded me of blood so much that I broke out into a light sweat at the mere thought of it. Just because a hospital was surrounded by suffering and death, it doesn't mean that they had to prove a point with their color scheme.

Alice hadn't spoken a word since I arrived nearly forty five minutes ago after being infuriatingly stuck in traffic. She avoided any form of eye contact and she couldn't sit still. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot and her skin was blotchy. It made me extremely apprehensive. I knew that there was something imperative that she wasn't telling me, but when she seemed as reluctant to speak as I was to reply, I wasn't going to push it. The thought of communicating with another person right now made me feel sick.

Was I slipping back into my old ways? I wasn't quite sure. If I was, it didn't concern me. There was only one reason why I chose to try to get better, to speak – because of Bella. She was my motivation to do so. But this sinking feeling in my stomach, telling me that there was something very wrong, was making me lose all hope.

Maybe I just missed the comfort of silence and what it offered you – silence in return. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I zipped up my jacket, suddenly feeling the cold. I must be sitting underneath the air conditioning unit. I fought the urge to punch another wall. On the other side of the room beyond the far wall, not fifty meters away, was Bella, awake and talking. I could hear quiet mumbling, the sound of her husky voice, but could not understand what was being said.

Alice bit into a chocolate finger biscuit, staring into space. Although she was avoiding communication and eye contact, she was still holding my hand tightly. Her thumb rubbed small circles on my fingers absentmindedly and the loud crunch of her biscuit filling my comfortable silence.

She sighed loudly, pulling my other hand into view. I winced, looking down at my hand. It truly did look horrible. It was swollen, deeply bruised and wasn't on a correct angle. When I looked into Alice's eyes, they were formed into slits.

"Do I even want to know how this happened?"

I shook my head no, not feeling like speaking right now. She shook her head, still examining my hand.

"Why would you do that to yourself, Edward?"

"Why do you assume that I would intentionally hurt myself?"

"Because that's exactly what you did."

I decided not to answer, and stared straight ahead, beyond the tall windows to the lush greenery that is Forks. Rain was slamming against the window, as if some sort of omen. Of course Alice knew. She _always_ knows.

I looked at Alice. I mean _really_ looked at her. She was such a tiny young woman, no taller than 5 feet in height, but she held such power in each step that she took. She held grace and charisma. Her normally spiky black hair was now at shoulder length, as she decided to grow it out. The ends still flicked out rebelliously.

"_How_ are we going to explain this to Be-" her words died in her throat abruptly and she looked at me with such a sadness I never knew could exist inside a person. Tears welled in her emotional eyes. Over the past few years I have gotten to know Alice quite well. Well enough to know that I have only ever seen her cry twice in that time – and both reasons involved Bella and her safety.

"What's wrong with Bella, Alice?" I asked her in a near whisper.

"I don't know if you'll ever be ready for the answer, Edward."

She let go of my hand and wiped the tears falling from her face freely. I tried desperately to keep myself calm, to be ready and comfort her, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell her everything was going to be okay when I didn't know myself. Not when she was looking at me like there was no hope left in the world.

Carlisle slowly stepped out of Bella's room, leaning against the door as he closed it. His eyes were bloodshot and his shoulders were slumped.

"Dad," Alice was immediately at his side. His hands went over her shoulders, not staring at her, but me. He shared the same expression as Alice had shown me just moments before. It made me fear for the worst. If Carlisle was breaking down, things must be really bad for her. "We have to tell Edward. Now."

"You're right. Of course you are." Carlisle mumbled. His eyes were glazed over as he stared out the window. Trees were blowing turbulently in the wind.

How did Carlisle continue to live in his profession? He was surrounded by death each and every day. He dealt with patients, far worse than Bella. People who were sociopaths or psychotic. He saw suicides and acts that were inflicted on other human beings with no intention other than malice. How can he still wake up each morning, with a smile on his face? Part of me already knew the answer, although I still questioned it all. His family was what kept him sane. But now that a member of his family, Bella, was in danger, it was eating him alive. Just like the rest of us.

Alice nodded at me before quickly walking off toward the elevator. Carlisle ushered me over with a flick of his wrist. We stood in front of Bella's door for several minutes without speaking. I let him gather the thoughts in his head, even though I was growing increasingly impatient. I knew that I wasn't the only one suffering in this situation and it would be incredibly selfish for me to think otherwise.

"As you know, Bella woke up about an hour ago. Son, there's something wrong with her, something I don't know how to tell you. Physically, she is fine. It's quite a miracle considering the amount of time she was in her prolonged unconscious state. But mentally..." He took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose. His eyes were shining with new tears threatening to fall. "When Alice rushed in her once she found out she had regained consciousness, Bella had a psychotic episode. She had to be sedated."

"Define '_psychotic episode_' please."

I didn't like what Carlisle's eyes were telling me. "She was petrified of Alice, Edward. Back in the ward years ago, remember when she saw the hallucinations of who she called Malice? A distorted, tarnished version of Alice? She became completely withdrawn, but she didn't scream. Didn't cry. This... This was entirely different."

I felt my heart sink down to my stomach. "When she saw Alice? Are you sure?"

"Yes. When she saw Alice she... I never expected her to react like that to Alice of all people. But that's when the pieces started falling into place. There was _fear_ in Bella's eyes. As if she was afraid of her. She was sobbing hysterically and screaming bloody murder. That was why we had to sedate her."

"Bella was afraid of her hallucination at one point; could part of her mind possibly remember that?"

"That's precisely what I thought. But there was something about the entire situation that just didn't fit. I then proceeded to ask her a series of standard questions. Ones that we ask patients that have been in similar situations."

"Such as?"

"The last thing she remembered, her age, what date she thinks it is, her name, and so forth."

"And?"

His silence said it all. I felt like the rug was swept beneath me and I was free falling into oblivion. If I thought that the pain I felt before was unbearable, I was sadly mistaken. This... This affliction was eating me alive, slowly and surely. Was it too much to ask for to just be happy? For Bella and I to grow old together and live a mundane, but happy life? I wasn't a complete idiot... I know that bad times are bound to happen... But Bella and I have shared enough torment to last us a lifetime and a half. It just wasn't fucking fair. _None_ of this was fucking fair!

"Carlisle, what did she say?" I nearly shouted at him. He stood stoically watching me, waiting for something to click in my head.

I rushed past Carlisle and into Bella's room, where she was sitting up, already staring at the door. Her eyes were glazed and somewhat distorted.

"Bella," I rasped.

My heart started hammering painfully against my ribcage once she came into view. She was still so skinny and pale, but she looked far less fragile than when she was unconscious. Her brown eyes were curious and unsure. They had that spark, just like I remembered, despite her most likely still being drugged. Her cheeks had that pink stain to them that I adored. I fought with everything that I had to not run to her and kiss her and to take her in my arms. She bit her lip nervously as she took me in. She leaned forward, her eyes widening with foreign emotions.

"Who..? Do I know you?" She asked in a near whisper.


	4. Chapter 3: In Pieces

_AN: Hi everybody. :) How are we all doing? It's been a very busy fortnight for me, dear readers, as I have been as sick as a dog with no relief in sight. *sighs dramatically* Well, I posted a new story a few days ago. You should all check it out. It's called ****__Novocaine__, and it's pretty different to this. Also, I got a formspring, so if you wanna ask me something, go ahead (details are on my profile). As always, thank you to my beta, Jen. Hope you enjoy this chapter, looks like i'm out of my writers block (for now). :)  
_

**Chapter 3: In Pieces**  
_Chapter Song: In Pieces by Linkin Park_

* * *

_"I'm particularly proud of my reluctance to share my dreams with anyone."_

_- Todd Barry_

* * *

APOV:  
Jazz, Rose, Emmett and I sat in a small cafe in Forks. Rain was pouring rapidly against the windows, and I dreaded having to return to outside of the warm, inviting cafe. I sipped on my vanilla mocha, feeling a little more human now there was caffeine in my system. Emmett tapped his nails against the table, not really paying attention to the conversation. He must already know what Rose wants to talk to us about. I could only assume that it had to do with Bella, because she was using her professional voice when we talked on the phone just twenty minutes ago.

"So what's going on?" I asked Rose apprehensively, as she was the one that organized this lunch meeting between us. She also asked for Edward, but I told her that now was not the best time to speak to him, seeing as Bella just woke up. _Poor Edward_. This latest revelation with Bella was the last thing that he, or any of us needed. As if we all haven't been through enough.

And the way she screamed when she saw me... I shuddered at the memory. I hadn't seen that much fear in her eyes since she saw Renee in the courtroom during her trial... How could she be afraid of _me_, of all people? I loved Bella like we shared the same blood. That is the only thing that didn't make us sisters. Blood. And as much as I didn't understand, I did the moment we realized what was really happening...

"Before we start," Emmett's booming voice sounded, "would you care to explain to us when _that_ happened?" He was pointing at the diamond ring on my ring finger. I couldn't help but grin despite myself. Emmett clapped his hand over Jasper's shoulder, who was also grinning like the cutie he is.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't even notice it. Congratulations, you two!" Rose apologized, as she pulled me into a hug. Her eyes were dancing with delight for us.

"Don't say that, she'll want to upgrade." Jasper was smirking. I playfully slapped his shoulder. Jazz proposed to me last night, when we went out for a romantic dinner. I was usually very good at predicting things, but I had no idea that he even wanted to marry me. We've been dating since I was sixteen and the truth is that I couldn't have found a more perfect man if I tried. Who would have thought that when we met four years ago, when he approached me in the supermarket, that that would be the beginning of the rest of our lives together?

Well... me. I've been planning for our wedding since the moment his blue eyes met mine.

"So, does the rest of the family know?"

I shook my head no. It wasn't that I was ashamed of our engagement; it was mainly because of the horrid timing. Bella only just woke up a week ago, with amnesia, and I could only imagine what this would be like for Edward. He was planning to propose to Bella and now that's been put on hiatus. I couldn't hurt him like that. Jasper pretty much explained that much.

"Speaking of Bella," Rosalie sighed, putting down her coffee cup. "We have an update on the Renee situation. Where is she now?"

"Bella? She's living with Charlie for now. Renee's been spotted?"

"Not exactly, but we've got details on the accomplices."

"You mean there's more than one?" Jazz asked in disbelief. Rosalie nodded her head stiffly, looking at Emmett. He was shaking his head angrily, his fists in tight fists.

"If I ever catch them, Rose, or that bitch, Renee I'll k-"

"Em. Don't." She put her hand over his clenched fist and stared at me. "Do you remember who Victoria Smith is?"

"That was Renee's lawyer during the trial."

"That's right. Her and her husbands, James Smith, are her accomplices."

"No!" I exclaimed. My mouth dropped open. Jazz was muttering cuss words and Emmett looked like he was out for blood. Rosalie just looked tired.

"I sent over the paperwork to Carlisle this morning, and it turns out that James used to hang around Seattle Hospital. He even bumped into Bella on one occasion. He was the prison guard that helped her escape from prison."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I was trying to grasp what was really happening here. "Are you telling me that there's a possibility that James knew very well who Bella was, and was trying to befriend her?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying. From what I can gather of the situation, Renee hired James to keep an eye on Bella in the ward, to see how she was going. He must have reported that she was well, which was why she came back."

"But she was getting married, wasn't she?"

"Never happened. It was a sham. Renee offered to pay them quite reasonably for the termination of Bella's life."

"How did you find this out?"

Rosalie smiled bitterly. "Victoria works in my law firm. For a lawyer, she doesn't know how to cover her tracks at all. I know a rat when I see one, and I knew from the day that our firm hired her that something wasn't right with her. She didn't turn up to work for a long time after she lost Renee's case. Went M.I.A. So, I did a little research, with permission, of course."

"Permission?"

"She was extremely unprofessional. The firm began to suspect her, and thus had legal rights to investigate her. When we went through her bank account details, we saw direct debits to her account from Bella's mother."

"Under an alias?"

"Bingo. Her name listed as Renee Stevens."

I leaned back into my chair, lost for words. Jasper reached for my hand protectively. Now, not only did we have Renee to look out for, we had two other people that wanted Bella dead. Who knows what people are capable of when it comes to money.

"There's also something else that we found out about Renee. This isn't the first time she's done this, guys." She glanced over at Emmett, who looked inconsolable. There was doubt in Rose's eyes before she turned her attention to us again.

"Em, are you okay?" I asked. His eyes snapped to mine, and for a second I saw the anger and hate behind them. They vanished in a blink of an eye and then he was smiling weakly at me. It was odd seeing Emmett so... serious. He was usually always laughing, always finding something positive in a negative situation.

"Not now." Em told Rose. She nodded her head and sighed. We didn't push the situation any further.

When I got back to my house, I felt completely drained. How were we going to explain everything to Bella now that she couldn't remember? Was it really a bad thing that she didn't? Jasper laced his fingers through mine, breaking me out of my musings.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I blurted out.

"I'm sorry? Do what?"

"Marry me. You've seen the best and worst in me. And the worst is pretty fucked up. Are you sure you really know what you're getting yourself into?"

Jasper chuckled, kissing me chastely. "While I will admit there are times where I wonder what on earth I am going to do with you, I wouldn't change a thing about you. You're smart and witty and incredibly charismatic and beautiful. You know the difference between right and wrong and you love unconditionally. You have this light about you, Alice. And I am a very lucky bastard to be able to call you mine."

I smirked. "Right answer, Mr. Whitlock."

"This is just the beginning of the rest of our lives, soon to be Mrs. Whitlock." He smirked as he kissed me.

I could get used to being called that.

* * *

**BPOV:  
**Eight days.

Eight miserable days since I woke up to nothingness. I _hated_ not knowing anything about myself, least of all _how_ I ended up this way. I was released from hospital three days ago and moved in with my father, Charlie. It felt odd, knowing that he's my father, but feeling nothing toward him. Toward anyone...

Except him. Edward.

The moment I saw him, I felt something toward him. A familiarity, but it was clouded and hazy. He's as close as I've come to remembering my past life... and even then, I remember nothing at all. At least I remembered the little things, like driving a car. Charlie didn't know I was doing this, but I couldn't help myself. It was like this was something that I knew I had to do, even though there was no logic to it at all. I was driving to Forks High School, to where Edward works.

I just need to know. I know he can give me the answers I'm looking for, even if he seems as reluctant as hell to give them to me.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Jacob asked me in the passenger's seat. I mentally sighed, really regretting bringing him with me.

They day that I returned to Charlie's house, he was there. I quickly learned that we were very close friends, and since then, he's been coming over every day to see me. While I enjoyed the company, there were moments, like these, where I wished I was just alone. Then again, without Jake's help, I wouldn't have known where Edward worked, or how to get there, so I should really shut up and suck it up.

"He's the only one who can give me answers."

"He won't give them to you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because it's the truth. He won't tell you, Bella."

I thought back to a week ago, when I woke up. And the first and last time I saw Edward.

"_Who? Do I know you?"_

_I swear I know him. There's a feeling in my chest, a tug, a pull, that was beginning me to be closer to him. But the look in his eyes changed drastically, from hurt, to shock, then to... nothing. He stared at me as if I was nothing. Maybe I was wrong._

"_You're taking this awfully well." the doctor said thoughtfully._

_I guess I was. While I was undoubtedly curious as to why I was this way, it was an inconvenience more than anything. It felt like there was a block on my mind. I could picture myself pushing against an invisible wall that wouldn't budge, no matter how hard I tried to push against it. I shrugged. I guess in a way, it hasn't completely sunk in yet._

"_When I woke up I freaked out but... Now I just feel... Numb."_

_The doctor hummed, nodding his head. "Are you hungry?"_

_As if on cue, my stomach rumbled in response. In a second he was out of the room to get food for me. I returned my gaze back to the bronze haired man, who seemed to be looking anywhere but at me. It annoyed me for reasons I couldn't understand._

"_You," she whispered, "I know you, don't I?"_

_He ignored me, texting someone on his phone. His girlfriend perhaps? I felt anger prickle against my fingertips the longer he ignored me. How rude! "I'm talking to you... What's your name?"_

_He sighed and looked at me sadly. "Edward. My name is Edward." He whispered. I felt my entire body stiffen at the mention of his name. Edward. His voice echoed in my mind, like a mist. I was very aware, but it disappeared the moment I tried to grasp it. I nodded my head curtly, feeling extremely frustrated._

_The doctor walked in and passed me a tray of toast with jam, a fruit salad, a bottle of water and orange juice. I whispered a timid thank you, immediately buttering my toast. I was starving!_

"_Don't want you to overdo it. You just woke up an hour ago."_

"_Why can't I remember anything? I don't remember anything before waking up other than... Her... That girl." My voice was shaky and my breathing uneven. Just the thought of that tiny girl sent tremors through me. "She's out of my nightmare."_

"_Your nightmare?"_

_I could feel Edward's eyes on me, but the doctor's gaze held my eyes in place. There was something about them that made me immediately feel bad for speaking about that girl like that, even if it was the truth. I nodded my head self consciously. I felt like I was on stand in front of a jury right now. "You're going to think I'm crazy," I laughed nervously. Edward flinched slightly. What the? "But I remember this deranged dream, and she was in it. Only she was covered in blood and held a knife. She..." I trailed off, shuddering at the thought._

_Of course, it was completely illogical to be afraid of someone that was in my dream. But that girl that came in and spoke to me as if we were best friends.. she was the spitting image of her. And I panicked... And now I felt ridiculous._

"_Do you remember her name?"_

"_Malice." I whispered._

_The doctor glanced __at Edward. He was tapping his hand against his phone. _Tap, tap, tap._ Why were they looking at each other like that? What weren't they telling me? I continued to stare at Edward, willing him to look at me._

"_I'd like to know why you're not telling me something important right now. I think I've been pretty damn patient in this whole situation, but now I'd like to know what the hell's going on."_

"_Are you sure you want to hear this now? Maybe you'd like to rest for a while?"_

"_No, please tell me... I don't understand. Where am I? Why am I here? This is all so... overwhelming. You didn't tell me anything other than my name when I woke up."_

_He sighed just slightly, nodding his head. "Your name, as I told you before, is Isabella Marie Swan. You're twenty years old and you live in Forks, Washington. You work in a skate shop here in Forks."_

"_How long have I been out for? And why don't I remember anything?"_

"_Twelve days," I gasped, feeling like someone slapped me. "You are currently suffering from Retrograde Amnesia. Do you understand what that means?" Edward finally looked at me, his eyes so lost and sad. Was I doing this to him?_

"_Amnesia... I don't get what retrograde means, but the amnesia part explains why I can't remember anything, I guess... Him," I pointed to Edward. I felt nervous doing so. "Edward. Who is he to me?"_

_After a quick glance at each other, the doctor finally answered._

"_A very close friend of yours."_

"_Oh." I wasn't going to lie, I felt disappointed. "Do I have any family? Or am I... an orphan or something?"_

"_You've had a very troubled past, Bella. Your mother is not a part of your life, but you and your father have a very strong relationship. He was here to visit you earlier today. You have a lot of loved ones surrounding you."_

"_Bella," I mused. That was what people called me? The way that Carlisle said it... it was as if he really cared about me. "Do you know me? You're talking to me as if we're friends."_

_He smiled sadly, nodding his head. "We do know each other. You're informally my adoptive daughter. I've known you since you were eighteen. Same with Edward. My name is Carlisle Cullen."_

"_How did we meet?"_

"_Long story." Edward snapped, making me gasp in shock._

"_I have time." I said, my icy tone giving him a run for his money. Just who the hell does he think he is? "You know, for a friend, you're not really acting like one."_

"_I don't know what you expect me to say to you."_

"_I'm asking you a trivial question, and yet you're acting like I'm wasting your precious time. I could be asking you a lot more than what I am right now. I don't think asking how we met is asking for much."_

_Edward sighed loudly, looking up toward the ceiling. I looked over at the doctor, Carlisle, and there was something hidden behind his eyes that I couldn't explain._

"_Fine. Since neither of you will answer that question, let me ask this. Why isn't my mother a part of my life anymore?"_

_Edward shot out of his seat, mumbling something I couldn't hear to Carlisle. My eyes followed him until he was out of sight._

"And I take it you're not going to tell me, either?"

"It's not my place to." He said bluntly. "We shouldn't be here."

"Well we are." I snapped as I put the car in to park. Without saying another word to Jacob, I hopped out of the car and walked toward the admin area of the school. I didn't wait to see whether he was following. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it wasn't this. Why did I feel so nervous at the thought of seeing Edward? Was it because he seemed to be the only person that _didn't_ want to see me?

When I stepped into the office, a chubby woman with red hair and large glasses grinned at me.

"Bella! My dear, it's been too long! How are you? We didn't even know you were out of hospital. I can't believe Edward didn't tell us that you were okay!"

_So Edward hasn't told them about my... condition._

"All is well now." I said, smiling weakly. "Is Edward around?"

"He's in a class right now, doll. Did you want to wait around for him?"

"If that's okay."

"I'll just page him. Take a seat in the waiting bay. First door to your left."

"Thank you."

Okay, so this woman knows who I am... which means that I have been here to see Edward before. I took a seat in the waiting bay, gnawing at my lip and looking at pictures of the school and its students on the wall. All of these foreign faces made a piece of my heart break. They all had identities, lives that they lead, that they knew about.

I hated this. I fucking hate this feeling of nothingness.

"Bella, what's going on?" A soft voice asked from the door. I turned around and felt my heart break that little extra piece. Edward was looking at me with such formality it made me want to tear my hair out and scream at him. How can he act like this? He knows things about me that I don't even know!

My eyes began to sting violently, but I wouldn't cry. Not in front of him.

"I need to know about my life. And I know that you have the answers."

He sighed and sat down. He patted the seat beside him and I quickly obliged. He rested his elbows on his hands and leaned forward, his breathing slow, but uneven. He looked like he hadn't ate or slept properly in a very long time.

"You can't just visit me at school, Bella. If you needed to talk to me, you should have asked."

"And how am I supposed to do that? It's not like I have your number or anything."

"How did you find out that I worked here?"

"Jacob."

"Black?" His eyes looked at me accusingly. "How do you remember Black?"

"I don't. But I'm staying with Charlie, remember? He was there the day I moved in."

"I see."

"Edward," I turned to face him completely, feeling like I was about to expose my entire soul to him. "Please tell me. I need to know. It's... It's driving me crazy. I need to know who I was."

"What exactly do you want to know?" He whispered inches away from my face.

"Everything."

"You need to be more specific than that."

"I... I..." He was so close to me now that I could feel his hot breath fanning against my cheeks. My heart was hammering against my ribcage loudly. My throat was dry and rough. I let out a shaky breath and closed my eyes. "Who am I to you?"

He took a deep breath, I heard his clothes ruffle as he stood up.

"You are a lot of things to me, Bella. But right now is not the time to discuss it."

I stood up angrily, standing inches away from him. My hands were shaking in anger.

_He can't do this to me! If he were in my position, wouldn't he want to know who he was? I just don't fucking understand this!_

"And when will be the right time, Edward? Huh? Do you _not_ want me to know or something?"

"Don't start, _please Bella_."

I heard the pleading in his tone, but I couldn't stop. I wanted, no _needed_ to know. The fact that he wasn't telling me was making the desperation leak out in my voice.

"Tell me, Edward."

"No."

"So you don't want me to know, then?"

"Of course I don't want you to know!" He screamed back at me. I winced at the harshness of his words, stepping back in shock. It was as if he hit me. "There are just some things, Bella that I can't relieve. And whatever memories I have with you, I can't relieve. I'm sorry, but I can't. Do you have any idea what this is doing to the rest of us? To Carlisle and Esme? To Alice? We love you, but you feel nothing toward us. Can you imagine how that feels?"

I gaped at him in disbelief. I crossed my arms and felt anger pulsating through my fingertips.

"Can you imagine what it is like to wake up and not remember anything about who you were and what built you into the person you were? Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up having no sense of identity or purpose on this earth, and to not only be unaware, but to have your apparent _loved ones_ not tell you a damn thing? To know that there are people on this earth that love you, but have no idea what they truly meant to you? Do you know what _that_'s like, Edward?"

We stared at each other in angered silence for several minutes, not willing to break. Would this swallow us whole? He was making this sound like it was my fucking fault! How could he think that this was what I wanted? That was so unfair for him to even think that way!

He walked away from me and headed toward the door. But before he closed the door, he turned around to look at me. It was then that I saw what he was feeling in behind green eyes.

Grief. Loss. Confusion. Anger. Despair.

"Renee Higgenbotham." he whispered as he closed the door. Not even ten seconds later, Jacob came in, looking at me in disbelief.

"Who's Renee Higgenbotham, Jake?" I asked him before he had time to go off at me. Shock crossed his features, and then anger.

"_He_ _t__old you?_"

"No, he just said her name."

"God damn, we all talked about this! Why would he-"

"Who is Renee Higgenbotham?" I repeated, almost screaming at him.

He walked over to me silently. He put his hands over my shoulders and sighed so quietly I wouldn't have heard it unless I was looking at his face to see the slight movement of his lips.

"You have to understand, Bella... We were only doing this to protect you. Please understand that."

"I understand, but that doesn't mean you have a right to do what you all did. Now are you going to make me ask you again?"

"Google her name, but there is no way I'm going to tell you who she is and what she's done to you."

"She's done something to me?"

"Several things. Now can we go home _please_?" I nodded my head as he laced his fingers through mine and walked me toward the car park. I had a name, thanks to Edward. He was reluctant as hell to give it to me, but he did, and for that I was grateful. This was the beginning of getting to know me. To know the real Bella Swan.


	5. Chapter 4: It Hurts Me Too

_AN: Thank you as always to Jen, my BETA. I have news my friends. Over the past month I've been pretty sick, and in the past week it's gotten worse. I won't be updating ANY of my stories from the end of this month til 5 November. I need a month to recover and rest and try to get better. I hope you all understand. To anyone that reviews this chapter, I'll be sending them an outtake chapter. Hope you enjoy this chapter, it's probably one of my fave's i've ever done._

**Chapter 4: It Hurts Me Too**_**  
**Chapter Song: It Hurts Me Too by Tampa Red _

* * *

_"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered..._  
_The point is to discover them."_

**_- Galileo Galilei_**

* * *

BPOV:

I was alone in my room, but only for a moment. I knew she was there before I even looked away from the computer screen. I always sensed her presence, like warmth being completely drained from a heated room. The hairs would stand still on the back of my neck and goose bumps would erupt throughout my body. Like someone was walking over my grave. She seemed to be only interested in one thing. She was out for blood - _my _blood. She'd taunt and mock and scream for me to give into her wishes. But I would rather walk through the fiery pits of hell for the rest of eternity than give into her. She scared the living daylights out of me, but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing that. That would only be a downfall caused by my own hands.

I shuddered involuntarily, but kept my face blank.

"What do you want?" I whispered, not removing my eyes from the screen.

Malice laughed, lifeless and hollow, and sat on my computer desk. I could see her bare arms on the peripheral of my vision. Dried, fresh blood was splattered across her skin like paint. She tried to touch me, her hands caked in blood, but I swatted it away impatiently. Her scarlet eyes blazed with delight at my anger.

"Remember me, huh?"

"You're not exactly easy to forget." I sighed as I flipped through the Google browser slowly. "What I want to know is why you continue to pester me."

"I must say, I like _you_ a lot more. The other you was a pushover. A weakling – and that's being generous with my words. You have fight in you." She smiled as she leaned in closer to me. I leaned back into my chair, desperate for separation from her. "It will be that more entertaining to watch you crumble."

"I don't know what you're talking about... and who said anything about crumbling?" I spat, giving in and staring at her. I didn't understand who Malice was, and what she had to do with who I was, but I didn't like it. Not one bit.

"Oh, you'll crumble. I'm in here, you see." She tapped my temple softly. I narrowed my eyes, but she only laughed at the sight. "I know your mind better than you do right now. And I know where to aim and where it hurts. Where to torture you until it drives you insane. Where it kills."

"You're... in my mind?"

"Of course I am. Did you see the looks that Edward and Carlisle exchanged when you mentioned me? They think you're absolutely crazy – and they're right."

"I must be if my mind conjured up someone as fucked up as you."

"Oh you," she cooed, smiling at me. Her dried lips cracked and blood drizzled down her chin. "You know how to flatter me, Isabella."

"You're insane. Fucking insane." I muttered, looking back to the screen. I clicked on one of the links, continuing to read. "I'm in the middle of something, and you're being an absolute inconvenience. Go bug someone else."

"You know, ignoring me won't make me go away, sweetcheeks. And just for the record, _you're_ insane. I am in _your_ mind, remember."

"What the fuck must I have gone through in my life to create someone like you?"

"You didn't create me. I'm a manifestation of what's inside of you."

"I find that very hard to believe."

"Hey, I am a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them." She said angrily. She dug her fingernails into my arm. I slammed my right hand against the table and turned to face her. "I am all of the animosity, the fear, the anger that flows through you. I am as much a part of you as you are yourself. You can't deny what is a part of you, and I know you can feel it coursing through your veins right now."

"What the fuck do you want from me, Malice?" I yelled.

"To take over you. You'll give in some time. You almost did two years ago."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

Malice gasped and vanished and I was left staring at my wall. I growled, slamming my hand against the desk again.

"Damn it. God fucking damn it."

"She's gone for now." the same voice, but more light sounded on the opposite side of me. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw her.

"You... That girl!" I exclaimed, leaning in. She smiled sadly at me, looking where Malice stood just seconds ago.

"She's not lying, by the way. She knows exactly how to get to you, and how to do it... potently."

"None of this makes sense. I have all these scars," I pointed to dozens upon dozens of horizontal scars on my wrists, "a damaged mind that makes me see some psychotic, hematomaniac who evidently gets off on my pain and the name Renee Higgenbotham, but nothing. I just don't remember anything and it's starting to really piss me off."

"You can't expect to remember everything in the blink of an eye, Bee. You have amnesia. It's going to take some time to remember everything, and that's if you will. There's a chance you'll never remember."

"No. I _have_ to remember. I refuse to believe that I'm never going to remember my past life."

"Just don't force it."

"You're that girl I saw in the hospital. But... you're in my head too, aren't you?"

"Yes I am. There are things about yourself, Bella, that you're going to find out and not like. There's still a part of you that remembers, otherwise Malice and I wouldn't be here. But you need to find the answers yourself. Don't push for them. It'll come with time. You need to be patient."

"But if I don't know, how will I remember?"

"In time, you'll remember. With that being said, wouldn't you rather be blissfully unaware right now?"

"No, there's nothing worse than not knowing," I sighed deeply, and exhaled through my nose. I felt so tired and drained. "Why aren't you like her? Malice, I mean."

"That's easy," she grinned innocently at me, and I was suddenly reminded of the girl in the hospital ward, who smiled that exact smile moments before I screamed bloody murder. "I'm the good in you. Think of Malice and I as light and dark. She's dark and-"

"You're light. Got it." I rubbed my eyes furiously, tiredness blurring my vision. "I'm surprised that out of all of the things my mind can't remember, it remembers you and Malice. I feel kind of... cheated."

"Well don't. We're strong influences in your past life, Bella. You'll find that out some day."

"That girl was an influence in my life? Are you telling me that we were friends?"

"It goes far deeper than friendship, Bee."

I gasped. "I'm a lesbian?"

The raven haired girl stared blankly at me before roaring with laughter. Her laughter was infectious, and even though I wasn't sure what she was laughing for, I joined in. What I felt with Malice was the complete opposite of what I feel with this girl. She made me feel safe and happy. A little less in place with the world I didn't feel a part of. When the laughter subsided, many minutes later, she was still smirking at me, her light grey eyes twinkling with sheer joy.

"You are most definitely _not_ a lesbian. Neither is she. You were very close, though."

"So that girl...?"

"She's not Malice." was all she said before she too, like Malice, vanished into thin air, a smile still on her lips.

For a long time I stared at the spot where the tiny girl stood, thinking about her words over and over. Her voice, her smile was playing like a broken record in my mind. She told me not to push for things about my past, but how could I not? And she was so different to Malice... So kind and... pure.

_Light and Dark._

I know that I should have been freaking out that I was having hallucinations, but for some reason, it didn't surprise me. It just seemed like it just.. is. It's a part of who I was, and while I didn't understand it, I accepted it. Could that mean that I subconsciously remember those two?

I suddenly knew what I had to do. I rushed downstairs, being extremely quiet knowing that it was one forty in the morning. I didn't want to wake Charlie, Sue or her two kids, Seth and Leah. Although they could sleep through a burglary. God forbid. When I reached the hallway, where the telephone was, I quickly turned on the lamp and flipped through Charlie's frayed black phone book. I flipped through the pages, trying to see if there were any names I would recognize, and one stood out by a mile. _Here goes nothing._ I punched in the numbers. My heart was resting in the middle of my throat and my stomach was doing somersaults. Was this really a good idea?

I didn't even know the girls name... But for some reason I knew what number to call. Call it gut instinct, or stupidity. I'm about to find out which one of the two it is.

"Charlie? Is Bee okay?" A sleepy voice answered. I couldn't hang up now. I took a deep breath and my voice came out in stutters and spurts.

"Um, hi... I'm sorry to be calling you so late... But I'm looking for a girl with short black hair, grey eyes... God, this must sound so creepy, nevermi-"

"Bee? Is that you?" Her voice gasped, and I heard sheets rustling in the background.

"I'm so sorry if I woke you... I... I just needed to talk to someone."

"No, don't apologize. Don't be silly. Are you okay, Bee? Do you need me to come over?"

Well, I wasn't expecting that. "Um. I'm not sure if Charlie will allow visitors this late..."

"He'll be fine with it, trust me. But if you're not comfortable with me coming over, just say so." Her voice was so gentle and kind, like the hallucination of her. I was nodding my head but quickly realized that she wouldn't be able to see it. Duh. Phone.

I could hear mumbling in the background. A male?

"Would you be able to explain some things to me? Not all of it, because I don't know if I'm ready to hear it... But about how I know you?"

"Of course." I could hear her moving around, maybe getting into more comfortable clothes or getting ready to leave the house. "I'll be there in ten minutes, okay?"

"Oh! It doesn't have to be right now."

"Shush. I'll be there in ten."

"Thank you."

"Anytime, Bee."

"Wait!" I exclaimed, "Can you please tell me your name? No one told me before..." Of course I knew from the phone book, but I had to hear her say it. To know that my mind was remembering something, if just a name.

"My name's Alice." it sounded like she was smiling. "See you soon."

* * *

If there's one thing I've gotten used to since the time I have woken up, it's sympathy. Silence and sympathy. Silence from people who used to know me, because in their eyes I'm not the same person. While I can understand that perspective, it's not fair. I can't help that I am this way, and I would like to think that I hold the same characteristics as I used to. Their sympathy only makes me angry. It's completely illogical, I know, but I _hate_ it when people feel sorry for me because of my condition. It's just a temporary setback... It has to be, because I don't know what I'll do if I never remember.

I can't stand the look of sympathy and uncertainty in people's eyes, worrying that they'll say something that will make me upset.

But Alice is the only exception.

The moment I opened the front door and her eyes met mine, she hugged me with such strength I never anticipated a person of her stature to possess. How can such a petite girl have so much strength? Her eyes danced in the moonlight, like rays of light peeking through thick, broken clouds. Although her presence made me somewhat nervous, it felt nice to have company with someone that didn't look at me like a crazy person. When we sat on my king single bed with horrible colored sheets, her facial expression mirrored my thoughts.

"Those sheets are fucking terrible!" I smirked at Alice and nodded my head in agreement.

"Charlie seems to think that they have _character_." We both laughed. She reached for her bag and pulled out a thick, manilla folder. She played with the curled corners nervously, but the peaceful smile never left her face. "What's this?"

"This," she patted the folder, "will most likely answer every question you have about your past."

"I have a lot of questions... but don't know where to start."

"Wanna start out small? Would you like to hear how you and I met?"

"I'd love that." I beamed. Just like the imaginary version of her, she had a smile that was contagious. Her warm smile spread through my entire body. It made my heavy heart feel just that little bit lighter.

We both squeezed onto my bed, our arms brushing against each other. She laced her fingers through mine and we stared at the ceiling. I gasped as something flashed across my eyelids... like a blurry piece of film that hasn't been played in a long time. Alice and I were laying on a hospital bed, staring at the ceiling just like we were now. There was something unusual about the memory, like something heavy hung over us like a raincloud – a sadness to it.

"Remember when we used to do this when we were kids? We used to sneak out of the house and watch the stars until we fell asleep." I whispered in the memory. Alice rolled over to face me, and smiled at me sadly.

"What was that?" Alice asked, confused. I blinked several times before I realized that I just saw something from my past – that I wasn't in a hospital bed, but in my room. I hadn't realized that I spoke the words from my memory out loud. I explained exactly what just happened, eventually repeating what I whispered to her. Her mouth parted before she grinned again. I couldn't understand why she was looking at me like that.

"What?"

"You just remembered something!" she squealed. I knew that I should have been over the moon that I remembered something, but there was something about that particular memory that made me uneasy. Although I watched the memory, it was somehow different. I remembered, no, I _felt_ the exact emotions that I was experiencing in that moment – anxiety, hopelessness and a depression that ran so deep in made my chest hurt. Somehow just remembering made the wounds tear open again.

"Alice," I whispered, "Why was I in a hospital? It didn't look like I was physically ill. Was that because of my depression?"

"You remember your depression?"

"Not exactly... I just remember how I felt during that memory, and that depression was overpowering my emotions. It hurts just to think about. I know that something was very wrong with me, but I don't know why."

She nodded her head thoughtfully and sat Indian style as she stared out the window.

"When I met you, Bee, we were both six years old. You moved from Chicago to a place in North Dakota called Cannon Ball. At first I thought that you were going to be a city snob, if a kid could even think that way... I mean, Cannon Ball is so small and no one likes it who used to live in a big city, you know? When you stood in front of the class and introduced yourself, I remembered thinking that I had never seen someone at our age so... so... broken. Your shoulders were slumped and your hands were wrapped protectively around yourself. You wouldn't look anyone in the eye and you would jump out of your skin whenever you were addressed by the teacher. The words that you rarely spoke were with such fragility and fear, I just wanted to run up to you and give you a hug. During lunch on your first day, I sat beside you, even though it was pretty obvious that you didn't want me there. You never seemed to be fond of company. We sat in silence each school day for the next month, and although I knew you didn't need me there, I wanted you to see that I was there for you. I wanted to be your best friend, not because I felt sorry for you, but because I already saw you as _my_ best friend.

"One day I had detention for something stupid, like throwing _m&m's _at this girl or whatever, and I missed out on the first half of lunch. I rushed out to the playground looking for you. When you saw me approaching, the sadness in your eyes vanished and you smiled at me with nothing but genuine happiness. You said, 'I thought you gave up'. The first conversation you ever engaged in with me or anyone else in the entire school. After that day we became inseparable. We were the absolute best of friends, doing everything together. You'd sleep over every weekend and my mom would let us stargaze. Mom adored you, Bee. She still does."

"What's your mom's name?"

"Esme Cullen. You used to call her by her maiden name, Pratt. Mama Pratt."

"I don't remember, but something's going off in my mind..." I thought about it long and hard, and Alice didn't say a word, letting me get lost in my thoughts. There was a song that immediately came to my head at the mention of 'Mama Pratt'. "By chance... Did she used to play a song a lot whenever we were around?"

Alice's eyes were as large as saucers. "Yeah she did. _Tampa Red_."

"There are these lyrics in my head... it's an old song isn't it?"

"You remembered something else!" Alice was visibly humming. "This is so awesome. Seriously. She used to play a song called _It Hurts Me Too _by _Tampa Red_. You used to sing every word when it was played. Which is a lot."

I smiled as the song played in my head. I felt like downloading it. I reached for my laptop and downloaded the song. I smiled as the familiar tune filled the room. The smile fell from my face as I looked at Alice. "But something happened... didn't it?"

She sighed despondently and passed the folder over to me. "That's where this comes in. I don't think you should read it until you hear what I have to say first, but it's your choice. Several things happened. I don't know how to explain it at all, Bee. It's going to be a lot to take in."

In other words, what she had to tell me was far from pretty... but I was ready for it. I had to be.

"I saw Edward yesterday," she raised an eyebrow in surprise. "I asked him to tell me about my past, he didn't, but he gave me a name. Renee Higgenbotham."

"God damn... Out of everything else he could have told you, he tells you this? Do you know who she is yet?"

I wasn't quite sure what she meant by that, so I just ignored it. "No."

"In some twisted way, this kind of seems like fate. That he gave you that name, and I gave you the manilla folder, and explaining our past. God works in mysterious ways."

"What does she have to do with our past, Alice?"

"Everything," she sighed. "She has everything to do with our past. She's the reason you were a quiet withdrawn kid that grew into a paranoid, scared teenager and finally into a combination of all those emotions once you turned eighteen."

"Don't tell me... I'm an assassin, aren't I? Something out of _The Long Kiss Goodnight_, right?"

Alice smirked deviously. "You wouldn't hurt a fly, even if you were held at gunpoint. So, no."

"So she's a family member then?"

"She's your mother, Bee. If you want me to tell you the list of things that she has done to you, we'll be here for a while, but I'll still tell if it's what you want. Are you sure you're ready for this?"

_No. _"I need to know." I whispered nervously.

Alice then spoke for two hours, only stopping when I had a question to ask or when we would both be crying too much to be able to speak. She told me everything in chronological order, ending with the cherry on top – Renee nearly succeeding in killing me on my twentieth birthday and waking up nearly two weeks later with amnesia. I thought about all of the terrible things that my mother not only did to me, but to Alice, Charlie and Esme... It was making my blood boil. So _that's _why Edward told me her name... I asked for my past and she was the key. I furiously wiped away my tears.

"I want to kill her." I growled, furious with myself for pushing for the answers. I never expected them to be this gargantuan. I fought desperately for them, and now I had them, I wish I never knew. I was almost certain that Alice left certain details out... But I wasn't going to push for them. Not yet anyway.

"There's a long list of people that want to kill her too, Bee, trust me. We all want her to pay for the injustices she has inflicted on us. Edward, especially."

"Edward?" I gasped. "I didn't realize he had anything to do with this. He looked like he hated me when I saw him yesterday."

"Bella," she whispered, covering my hands with her own. I started to cry harder as I noticed her hands that were covered with burn scars, from my mother's hands. Damaged skin that frantically tried to heal over charred flesh. How could I be related to such a monster? Did I ask myself that question every day of my former life? "I can't go into detail about your past with Edward, because quite frankly, he'd kill me for doing so. That and it's not my place to share memories that you had together. Only he can do that, and he will if or when he is ready to. But I will tell you this – Edward was a vital part of your past. He was the most important person to you in this world. He's only avoiding you because he doesn't know what to say or how to behave around you... He most definitely does _not_ hate you. You were as close as two people could get."

"He should just act how he used to around me!" I exclaimed, suddenly getting agitated for reasons I wasn't sure of... Is it because he should be making an effort? Or because he's too scared to talk to me? I'm still the same Bella, right? I just have a glitch in my brain right now.

"I'm afraid it's not that simple..."

"Carlisle said that he and I were roommates. Wouldn't that have been a bit uncomfortable if we brought people home or whatever? A boy and a girl who were just friends, sharing a home together?"

"You made it work." her voice sounded strained as she ran her fingers through her hair. "Look, I shouldn't even be telling you this, but what the fuck. I've already told you things I haven't been allowed to. You met Edward in the psychiatric ward in Seattle when you were eighteen. You are better, completely healed because of him. And he is completely healed because of you. You both healed each other from the trauma and despair you both had in your past."

It made sense.

The words that he screamed at me yesterday, about not being able to relieve certain memories, chimed in my mind loudly, resonating. No wonder he snapped at me... I've been so selfish. I hadn't thought about what it was doing to everybody else.

"Is this hard for him, Alice? I don't know how to explain it... But when I saw him, I knew him without knowing him. And for reasons I don't even know, it hurts to not be near him." I held the folder close to my chest. Alice didn't answer for a long time, but when she did, a tear slid down my cheek.

"This whole experience... It's... Slowly killed him from the inside. I'm sorry for telling you. But this has destroyed him."

"I wish I could comfort him." I said truthfully. I opened up the manilla folder and read all of its contents. Alice sat in silence patiently, only speaking when I asked her questions about what certain scientific words meant. She explained that this was my patient file from when I was in the psychiatric ward. "What the hell am I going to do about my mom? She's out there somewhere, looking for the moment to pounce."

"We'll never let that happen. There are people here who love you, unlike her. She has no support system."

"You can't all protect me twenty four seven, Alice."

She grinned and winked. "We can and we will."


	6. Chapter 5: My Delirium

_AN: Please review. Would appreciate it plenty. Thanks, as always, to my BETA. Songs are on profile. :)_

**Chapter Five: My Delirium  
**_Chapter Song: My Delirium by Ladyhawke_

_

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_

_"The bed is a bundle of paradoxes; we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret;  
__we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late."_

**_- Charles Caleb Colton_**

_

* * *

_

**BPOV:**

_4 October,_

_Alice ended up sleeping the night. While she slept, I went on the laptop and looked up Renee's name on google. I couldn't believe all of the articles that were on her..._

_I also couldn't believe that I shared the same blood as this woman. She is a monster. A callous, cold hearted monster. There was a photo of her trial date, where she was sentenced to life in a joint prison/psychiatric unit in Seattle. There was a photo attached of Charlie, Edward and I. I don't think we knew that it was being taken, because we were walking down the steps of the courthouse, all looking distressed._

_Edward... He was staring at me with concern in the photograph. He also had his arm wrapped around me. Just staring at it made me shiver. I'm not sure why. Charlie was looking behind him but I was staring into space. I didn't look like I was really there._

_It's odd staring at myself in a photograph... I mean, I know that's me... But it's not._

_My posture was different. I looked a lot healthier than I do now. My face held baby fat. Then again, I was only eighteen when this was taken. My eyes and cheeks were swollen, probably from crying. I stared at the computer screen for hours until my eyes were aching._

_There were no photos of Renee. For some reason, that surprises me. What does she look like? Do I share any qualities with her, physically and characteristically? I fucking hope not. From what I can see, I look more like my dad regardless. I wouldn't dare ask to see a picture of her. What have I done to her to make her want to take everything from me?_

_I just don't know what to do anymore._

_

* * *

_

_5 October,_

_I still haven't slept. I just went past the forty eight hour mark. I can feel the fatigue draining what little energy I have left. I've barely had food or drink. I can't find it in me to do so. I just feel sick to my stomach. I find myself slipping into my exhaustion, thoughts and pictures dancing across my disorientated eyelids. I'd call them nightmares, but I'm not sleeping._

_I'm living in my own personal hell, unable to sleep and unable to escape._

* * *

_6 October,_

_I managed to sleep for forty minutes today. I wish that I never fell asleep, even if it were for such an insignificant amount of time. It only made me feel more exhausted, if that were a possibility. I'm sitting outside watching ducks drinking from a pond. I wonder what it's like to fly._

* * *

_8 October,_

_Been on the net all day. I'm not sure what I'm doing, and why, but I can't stop. My hands have a mind of their own right now. Alice called me just before. Could hardly speak coherently. She might come over later. I've grown obsessed with everything that has to do with Renee. If I could kill her, I would. Not because I want to, but because I have to. If I don't kill her, she'll kill me. She's waiting for her moment to attack, I just know it. Her silence is ominous. And when my guard's down, she'll get me. I just know it. I'm one of those sitting ducks that you shoot at a carnival. I want to see Edward. I don't know why, but I have to. Maybe Alice will take me to see him._

_Alice refused to take me to see Edward. It's bullshit. I told her I haven't slept in several days. She's about to take me to see the doctor. Carlisle. I hardly see the point, but if it makes her happy..._

* * *

"Bella, if I could carry you, I would... but I'm kind of too short. Stay awake for me, okay?" Alice mumbled as she practically carried me up the stairs of her home. I was one of the walking dead. Each step I took was labored and required energy I didn't have. I yawned loudly, nearly making Alice fall down with me. "Dad! A little help!" Alice yelled out. In moments, Doctor Cullen was lifting me into his arms and carrying me up the stairs. Did he put a filter over my eyes? It felt like I couldn't really see properly.

"Are you making pizza? I smell pizza?" I managed to whisper.

He looked at me in confusion, then spared a glance at Alice, who looked like I spawned three heads. Maybe I have.

"Bella there's no..."

"We should talk about this in the study." Carlisle interrupted Alice.

When we reached our destination, Carlisle gently put me down on the couch and walked out for a few moments. I closed my eyes, feeling as light as a feather dancing in the wind.

"Did she take something?"

"No, she hasn't slept in days. She's hallucinating smells now? Is that normal with sleep deprivation?"

"It can be. We need to assess her."

I felt the seat dip. Alice put my legs in her lap while Carlisle stared at me seriously. His gaze was intimidating.

I was laying in Carlisle's study in his home. It was a large space, almost every inch of the walls covered with bookcases, filled with books. One side of the wall was solely dedicated to medical textbooks, which I am sure he updates regularly.

"Extremely delusional. Glazed eyes..." Carlisle muttered to himself as he examined me. "Breathing is very shallow, too."

"She asked me if I ever wondered what it would be like to be a cloud."

"Has she told you about any other hallucinations?"

"I'm right here, you know." I slurred, barely able to keep my eyes open. Carlisle and Alice glanced at each other. "I'd appreciate it if you talked as if I were here, thanks."

"Has there been anything going on that is making your sleeping pattern irregular, Bella?" I lazily raised an eyebrow, too lazy to speak the words I really wanted to say. None of them were nice. Judging by the look on Carlisle's face, he understood what I was going for. "Well, besides your amnesia."

"Renee. She's obsessed with Renee."

"What do you mean she's obsessed with Renee?" There was a tone in Carlisle's voice that I didn't like. It snapped me back into reality, like the mist of sleepiness momentarily dissipated. I must be experiencing adrenaline. He was staring at Alice coldly. "Is there something you'd like to tell me, Mary Alice?"

"Motherfucker." Alice groaned as she shook her head. "Look, I told her about Renee, okay? She had a right to know and I wasn't going to keep it from her. When it comes down to it, dad, she had a right to know. It was _her_ life, and whatever she wants to know, she should know. I just wish that other people that shall remain nameless had the same frame of mind as I do about the situation."

"You shouldn't have done that."

"Well I'm glad she did." I sighed.

"Thank you!" Alice yelled, throwing her hands in the air. "And, just for the record, dad, you know how pissed off the other Bella would be if we didn't tell her the truth? She would be hunting us down with pitch forks."

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea."

Carlisle ignored me and still stared at Alice. His stare was as hard as steel. "Obsessed how?"

"She wants to hunt her down and kill her. She said that if she doesn't hunt her down first, she'll find her and make up for everything that she couldn't do before." Carlisle pulled a face and nodded curtly.

"You need to sleep, Bella." He told me as if it were that simple. I snorted and closed my eyes. I leaned back into the white leather couch in his study and yawned.

"Eye, eye, sir. Your wish is my command. Excuse me while I do just that. It's not like I haven't tried to sleep in the past week."

"Is it just me, or has her sarcasm gotten worse?"

I snorted again, not bothering to open my eyes. A familiar sensation washed over me... the cold feeling. My breathing started to come out in swift pants. I always knew when she was here.

"Wakey, wakey," her dull voice whispered in my ear. I shook my head no, covering my ears with my hands. I couldn't deal with her, not right now. She laughed clearly, the sound shaking me to the core. "I'm in your head. You can't drown me out. Haven't we established that before?"

"Go away." I groaned.

"You're too tired to drown me out, you know." Malice said.

"If you're in my head, I can will you to go away. So do that. Just go away."

"Bella?" I peeked through one eye and saw Carlisle's ice blue eyes on me with concern. My eyes frantically searched the room, until they finally landed on Malice. She was standing next to Alice, whom she was glaring at with extreme distaste. She nudged a thumb toward her.

"She's kind of boring."

"And you're a fucking thorn in my side."

She flashed a toothy grin and slowly walked over toward me. I sat up quickly and reached for Carlisle's arm. I felt like a child who was running away from the monster in the closet... Except she wouldn't stop. She leaned against Carlisle's shoulder, staring at me with her vivid ruby eyes.

"Is she here?" Carlisle asked me quietly, his tone all knowing.

Of course he knew. Alice explained it all to me. He was my psychiatrist in the ward. He knew about all of my problems. I nodded my head slowly, eyes still on Malice. She rolled her eyes and took acute interest in her blood stained hands.

"Alice, can you please go into the medicine cabinet and grab the bottle labeled Alodorm. Five milligrams. And a glass of water, please." He proceeded to spell the word and Alice was out of the room in the blink of an eye. Malice was now staring at Carlisle with extreme hate. She knew something I didn't, obviously.

"How long have you been seeing her for, Bella?" He asked as he knelt in front of me. I stared in silent horror as Malice climbed on Carlisle's back, smiling at me with keen interest.

"Yeah, Bella, how long have you been seeing me for?" She said in mock concern. She was having way too much fun. It made me feel sick.

"Since I woke up." I whispered. Alice came back in the room and passed the bottle to Carlisle. She handed me the glass of water and Carlisle placed two capsules in my hands.

"These are sleeping tablets. I wouldn't normally do this, but you need the sleep. Your hallucinations are probably another contributing factor to your sleep deprivation, so this will easily knock you out for eight hours."

I threw the tablets in my mouth and sculled the glass of water. I always had a problem with swallowing tablets. They would always get stuck in my throat and I would feel nausea afterward. Carlisle scooped me up and carried me to what I could imagine was Alice's room. It was far too feminine looking to be his and Esme's.

"I'll see you around." Malice said, disappearing behind a closed door. I couldn't take it anymore. I closed my eyes and willed sleep to consume me. Maybe she wouldn't haunt me there.

He put me down on the bed and stayed with me until I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

**EPOV:**

"_Edward... It's Bella." _I stopped chopping carrots and stared at the answering machine. _"Look... Either you're genuinely busy, or you're avoiding me. I think it's the latter. It's... I just... I don't know what to do. Please call me. I understand that this is hard but... I really need to speak to you... Please... Just call me. Text me... Anything. Just stop acting like I don't exist."_

The answering machine clicked, signaling the end of the message. I put the knife down and walked over to the phone. I picked it up, staring at it for several moments. There was something about the tone in her voice that made me want to drop everything and run to her. To protect her. But I didn't have a right to do that. Not anymore.

I thought that I was handling this entire Bella situation quite well as time was passing by. _Thought_ is the key word here, I suppose. I ceased all contact with her since the last time she saw me, which was almost three months ago, and I find myself thinking about what we used to be less and less. It's not that I didn't miss it, because I did with everything in me... but I think that my mind was beginning to come to the realization that what we had might not never happen again. A weak form of acceptance.

But as quick as the acceptance came, it went.

Of course there was a large part of me that wanted her to know. For us to go back to the way that we used to be. Being with Bella may be the only _real_ relationship I've truly experienced, but I knew that I didn't want anyone but her. She was it for me. And I wasn't going to try move on, when all I would be constantly comparing every woman to her.

She has been trying to call me, especially in recent days. I never answered any of her calls. I had a feeling that she only wanted more answers to her questions. I couldn't be the one to give them to her, because I simply did not want her to know the truth about her and I.

A tidal wave of several emotions. I felt shipwrecked.

"You have to answer her calls sooner or later." Tanya said, leaning against the fridge. I chose to ignore her statement, wishing she never turned up with a bottle of wine on my doorstep just forty minutes ago.

I was already feeling the effects of the alcohol, nearly drinking the entire bottle myself.

Tanya lit a cigarette and passed it to me. I greedily inhaled the smoke, needing a fix of something. It just wasn't nicotine.

"She sounded desperate, Edward. And she's right. You have to quit acting like she doesn't exist. She obviously remembers you subconsciously. Call her right now." She said as she put down her wine glass. I resumed chopping vegetables, desperate to drown out her words.

She took the knife out of my hands and looked at me seriously.

Tanya's Rosalie's cousin and one of my closest friends. We met at one of the Cullen's dinner parties and immediately hit it off. We had a brother/sister relationship. Her hazel eyes were growing darker with emotion, her strawberry blonde hair unkempt, brushing her shoulders as she moved closer to me.

"If you don't call her, I will."

"You wouldn't." I said blandly, taking the knife from her and resumed chopping. She raised her eyebrow in defiance and walked over to the phone. She punched the redial button and by then I was running for her. She was faster than me though, effortlessly running into the bathroom and locking the door. I heard her mumbling while I slammed my fists on the door.

"Tanya don't you fucking do this!"

"It's for your own good, Edward!"

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I ran back to the phone and answering machine and pulled the phone off the hook. I heard her swear loudly and throw something. That woman had a fiery temper, like her crazy witch hair.

She stormed out of the bathroom, her cheeks blazing scarlet. She was glaring at me. I smiled innocently, out of breath. I really had to stop smoking.

"You're only hurting yourself by doing this." She said quietly, putting the phone back onto the receiver. We worked on dinner in silence, and I welcomed it. She would occasionally open her mouth to say something, but then her mouth would snap shut and she would continue stirring or take a sip of her wine. An hour later we were sitting on the couch watching television.

"I told her you'd go see her tomorrow."

"Why?"

"She needs to talk to you. You should have heard the way she answered the phone, Edward. She sounded so excited at the thought of you calling her back. Do you know how awkward it was for me to talk to her after that?"

"So you actually spoke to her then."

"I did. And you need to speak to her too. Whether your stubborn mind wants to admit it or not. You either need to reconcile with her, or move on with your life. You can't keep wallowing in your misery for the rest of your life, Edward."

_Move on with your life... _The words she spoke brought tears to my eyes.

"You're out of your mind if you think I'm going to go see her."

"Edward," she exclaimed, but still stared at the TV. "Jacob was with her. I think something is going on between those two. Get your shit together before it's too late."

I winced at the mention of Jacob's name. I knew that I should have been thankful that Bella had someone to talk to, to confide in, and before, her relationship with Jacob wasn't an issue... Because Bella was mine. She isn't anymore, and the thought of Jake replacing me made me want to go on a murderous rampage.

I only had myself to blame for this. I knew this. I wanted to scream at myself for being so foolish. Would she still be doing this, seeing Black if I had told her the truth? I knew that if I wasn't in the picture originally, they would have been together. Now I was out of the equation, I knew Jacob would be digging his hooks in her, willing and wishing and hoping for more. Hell, he even broke up with Leah because he loved her. Or would she have wanted to try and be with me, despite me being a stranger to her after the years we spent together? There was only one way to find out.

"All right," I sighed. "I'll see her tomorrow."


	7. Chapter 6: At The Bottom

_AN: Review, please. Two more chapters will be uploaded by this time next week, after that, you won't be hearing from me for a while. Many thanks to my beta Jen. :) Chapter songs on profile. And I got a formspring if you want to ask me anything. Kbaiii x_

**Chapter Six: At The Bottom  
**_Chapter Song: At The Bottom by Brand New_

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_"Computers are magnificent tools for the realization of our dreams,  
__but no machine can replace the human spark of spirit, compassion, love, and understanding."_

**_- Louis Gerstner_**

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**BPOV**

"What do you think of this place?"

"It's... beautiful. So beautiful." I gasped in awe for the twentieth time today, taking in the beautiful mountains and lakes. It was a sight that I had been staring at all afternoon, but it never ceased to amaze me with its beauty and tranquility. Jake grinned and held my hand as we walked across the gravel trail. I knew that my tired eyes couldn't take the view in perfectly, and I wished that I was more awake to appreciate it even more, if such a thing were possible.

"I knew you'd love it here. You did when you... the old you did."

I smiled sadly. What wasn't there to love about this place? The mountains were so high up the clouds danced across them. They carried on for miles and miles, stretching across the horizon like an oil canvas. Breathtaking. The smell of fresh cut grass made my nose tingle. And the large lake was just a stone's throw away. I loved this place. If I could spend the rest of my life staring out at this beautiful view, even with my tired eyes, I'd be happy.

"I'm still me, you know. It's just... I don't know... A different side of me."

A different side of me that was unbelievably unpredictable. Ever since Alice's visit, and _that _manilla folder, my life had been turned upside down. How did I manage to cope with all that I went through without giving in to thoughts of suicide? Am I weak for even thinking of suicide as the perfect escape route to all of the hate that was suffocating me? It's been three months since I found the grueling details of what Renee Higgenbotham subjected me and my loved ones to... and I haven't had a peaceful night's sleep since.

"Don't get me wrong," he said, putting his arm over my shoulder. I laughed as he awkwardly walked and knelt down to be closer to my height at the same time. "You'll always be Bella to me... There are some things that you say, or there's a look that you'll give, and I'll think... that's you. The old Bella. You're still her, you're just..."

"Wired differently?" I asked, smirking.

"You're still you."

"I know what you're trying to say." And I did. I was touched that he didn't look at me any differently, despite the circumstances. I sighed, another wave of exhaustion hitting me. Jake looked at me seriously, asking me with his eyes if I was okay.

If I was asked to explain what I was feeling right now, I don't know if I could find the words to do so. I couldn't explain it even if I tried.

"I think we should head back," I said suddenly. "I'm really tired."

My body was starting to betray me. It was completely void of all energy for me to even _want_ to try and function at a sane level. Yet my mind continued to race at a million miles an hour, not stopping for anything or anyone. I could imagine my brittle sanity as a large mirror that shattered into pieces too small and sharp to put back together. I had counted the hours of sleep I failed to be blessed with, until there was no point to continue. I lost count at eighty five hours and thirty two minutes. The more I wished for sleep, the harder it became to do so.

Jake and I had spent the entire day together. We had many of those days lately, where it would be just us doing whatever came to mind. If there was one thing I loved about Jake, it was how spontaneous his mind was. I've grown to love him unconditionally. He knew how to make me laugh when I didn't want to, and his smile was like the sun. He decided to surprise me by taking me on a four mile bush walk. On any other day I would have loved this, walking briskly, the crisp mountain air in my lungs and taking in the beautiful sights of our town – but today was one of those days I wished that I could curl up in bed and will for myself to vanish into non existence, no matter how beautiful this scenery may be.

"Jake," I whined, not even bothering to lift my feet as I walked, instead dragging my feet. We had been walking for nearly an hour now. It was too much energy to continue acting like this wasn't bothering me. "Are we near my house yet?"

"A mile to go." He replied in a cheery voice. It made me want to stomp on his foot... really fucking hard. "Why? Are you okay? You've been pretty quiet today."

"Exhausted. This lack of sleep is driving me bananas."

"How long has it been now?"

"Four days, give or take. I can barely walk anymore."

Without another word, Jake knocked the back of my knees with his hands, making me stumble. He scooped me in his arms and carried me as he continued walking. I couldn't even find the energy to protest and hit him for invading my personal space.

If there was one thing I felt strongly about, it was personal space. I hated the invasion of it, and would usually go mental if someone entered the too-close-for-comfort barrier. But as much as I wanted to protest, part of me secretly enjoyed the closeness of proximity that we shared.

His body was like a warm safety blanket. I yawned dramatically and nuzzled my face into the crook of Jake's neck. Each step that he took felt like I was being rocked in a cradle. My eyes fluttered shut, much too tired to open them for a while.

I let my mind wander aimlessly, without a particular thought to consider. I thought of my dad, and how he has been nothing but love me unconditionally, supporting and nurturing me. I thought of Jake, and how things were growing increasingly complicated between us. For reasons that I couldn't comprehend, Leah, Sue's daughter suddenly stopped talking to me. We got along great until Jake and I became attached at the hip. Did she have feelings for him? Or was I missing something more important than that? It probably went a lot deeper than that, and I was just too clueless to see or understand it.

I thought of Alice... all 4'11 of her. The way that I was terrified of her at first, but quickly realizing how important she is to me now. I had to catch up with her soon. I missed her smile terribly. I thought of Esme, and baby Jen who would always run to me grinning when she'd see me. Doctor Carlisle Cullen, who protected me like a father... But my mind stopped dead in its tracks when Edward's face came to mind.

My turbulent, racing mind halted at the thought of the one person that doesn't want to see me.

I could see him as if he were standing right in front of me. His hair was blazing brilliantly in the sunlight; blondes and browns and reds amalgamating perfectly. His skin was pure and flawless, stubble that covered his jaw so soft that I wanted to reach out and stroke my fingers across it. His cheeks were slightly blushed from the heat of the sun... and his eyes... My God, his eyes were beautiful. They were the lightest green I had ever seen, with flecks of yellow making them sparkle. He was smiling at me with nothing but happiness radiating in them.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw my house in the distance. The thought of my bed within close proximity made me want to cry from joy.

"Almost there." Jake said, smiling.

It's been three months since I saw or heard from Edward. The look of despair was the last thing I saw in his eyes, and it's haunted me since. I don't know why I was so fascinated with him considering he refused to speak to me. Or see me, for that matter. He and I were both in that psychiatric ward together for an extended period of time. We saw the worst in each other, and helped each other get our lives back on track. I guess I was hoping he could help me again... Maybe I was expecting too much from him.

I received a phone call from a woman named Tanya a few days ago. I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice when I realized that it was a woman calling from his house. The disappointment quickly turned to jealously, which turned to fear. But as she began to speak to me about how Edward would come see me... I was... well... Thankful...

But he never turned up.

I cried for hours after, his rejection hurting me for reasons I didn't understand. The thought of him not caring about me devastated me. But why?

When we reached my house, Jake put me down gently and immediately took my hands in his. I could feel his hands shaking.

"There's something that I have wanted to do for a long time, Bell... ever since the first moment I saw you."

My breathing gurgled deep in my desk as he took a step closer to me. A part of myself always suspected Jacob's feelings for me to be something more than a platonic nature, but I chose to ignore it. I'm not quite sure why I chose to ignore them, but it was obvious like an elephant in the room. I guess I thought that if I ignored it, it would go away. It's done anything but. How could I ignore it any longer when it was staring me with large, innocent brown eyes? I waited for a spark to ignite within me at the thought of Jacob even wanting to kiss me, but...

He brushed a stray piece of hair behind my hair, his fingers lingering across my scarlet cheek. The closer his face came toward mine, the faster my heart started to thud painfully against my ribcage. Was this the spark I was waiting for? The feeling of butterflies in my stomach and my heart sitting in my throat?

His hot breath fanned across my face, stunning me so swiftly it made my entire body still as a statue. His scent was ethereal and welcoming in a way I couldn't describe. As his lips brushed across mine, I was surprised at how full and soft his lips felt against mine. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. Never would I have expected this. Jake pulled me closer to him, and I could feel his heart beating against my hand that was still across his chest. He was so warm. Like the sun.

I parted my lips and his tongue brushed against my bottom lip. I sighed in his mouth and his fingers laced through my hair.

No. No. No. This isn't right...

It doesn't feel right.

"No. Jake, no." I muttered as I pulled away from him. His hands were still on the back of my head. Hurt crossed his face and I immediately felt guilty.

"You don't want to...?"

"You thought? Oh, no, I-" A snapping twig made me shudder. I looked over to where the sound came from and the blood ran cold in my veins when I saw who it was.

It was Edward.

I couldn't believe it. I had called him almost every day for nearly three months and I didn't receive any form of response from him... but now here he was, standing outside my home without notice? I immediately thought something was wrong... that Renee had found Alice or Carlisle, or even my dad while I was gone and panic exploded through every cell of my skin. Then it was quickly replaced by anger when I saw the hate that harbored in his green eyes.

I let go of Jake's hand and started to power walk toward him, ignoring Jake's yells of protest. I tripped and stumbled over my feet several times, almost breaking out into a sprint. Before I knew where I was going, my hand met Edward's cheek with a loud slap. He flinched, not from the pain, but from shock, but otherwise stood firmly in place. His eyes were as dark as Emeralds. It wasn't enough for me. I needed him to show emotion. I clenched my fists into balls and hit his chest several times as I screamed at him.

"Was it too hard for you to pick up the fucking phone? I have been trying to call you for months and you couldn't even find the time to call me back? What the fuck, Edward?"

Edward stood still the entire time, taking each hit to his chest and each word I screamed at him without complaint. He wasn't looking at me, but at Jacob, with the same look of hate in his eyes.

"Fucking _look at me_!" I cried out, cupping his chin in my hand and forcing it in my direction. "Why? Why do you hate me so much?"

Edward's hands covered my wrists slowly, and just for a moment, all the hate in his eyes vanished. I felt something the moment his hands touched my skin. The spark. The butterflies and fireworks that I expected to feel with Jake became potent in a single touch by Edward.

"You think I hate you?" He whispered.

"I see the way you look at me, Edward... and I don't know why."

"You have... no idea." he muttered sadly as he let go of my wrists. He was turning to walk away, and the thought of him leaving scared me. Something snapped inside me, and my hand reached out for his.

"Don't go. Please."

"Uhh... Excuse me?" Jake growled, suddenly by my side. He was staring at my hand that was clasped around Edward's wrist. "What about _me_?"

"What about you?" The anger in Edward's voice terrified me. He looked like he truly hated Jake, that much was evident. But it seemed, by the look on Jake's face, the feeling was more than mutual. "Don't you fucking dare."

"Don't what, Masen?" I put my hand on Jake's chest as he attempted to get closer to Edward. I was in the middle of a fight that was about to break loose at any second. I had to find a way to diffuse it. I couldn't understand why they both hated each other so much, and how it got to this point. I was far too tired to deal with this right now.

"I should fucking kill you for this, you fucking mongrel!"

"Why? What's your claim on her, Masen? Last time I checked, you were _never_ together."

Edward's face suddenly became as pale as a ghost. He had a look on his face that I couldn't decipher. It was far too intricate, with too many layers to peel away to truly understand. I couldn't look away from him. With my left hand on Edward's wrist and my right on Jake's chest, I felt so lost.

"You're not going to get away with this, Black."

"I dare you. Say it."

Their secret code was really beginning to piss me off. I let go of both of them, and started walking toward the house. Since there were no cars parked outside beside my red Chevrolet, I would be home alone for the afternoon. Good.

"Bell, where are you going?"

"Edward and I need to talk. And we obviously can't do that without you here, so I'll just talk to you later, okay?"

Jake stared at me blankly for several seconds. As Edward stood beside me, something flickered in his eyes. He narrowed them as he spoke dangerously low to me.

"So the moment he tosses you a bone, you immediately take it? Who has been here for you since the moment you woke up, Bella? I have. Not Masen. _Me_. Don't do this."

"Don't do what? I just need to talk to him, okay?"

"I'm right here, Bella. Right here. Right here in front of you, willing to jump through fire if you ask me to. I would do anything for you. I love you, all right? I have been in love with you since the moment you looked at me, and smiled that beautiful smile of yours. I want to be with you, okay?"

"What the fuck are you trying to prove? Do you take pride in taking advantage of this situation, Black?"

"For the love of God." I closed my eyes and counted to ten. I wanted to cry until I couldn't feel anything anymore. Why did Jake have to ruin everything? I love Jake with all of my heart, but that kiss... it was wrong. How could I tell him that without it hurting him? I shook my head, feeling ears threatening to fall.

"Edward and I need to talk." I repeated, feeling a thousand years older in five minutes.

"Why are you choosing someone you can't have, when you can have someone that loves you is staring you right in the face?"

"I'm not choosing anyone! I can't deal with this right now. I'll talk to you later, Jake. I have to speak to Edward."

I walked straight into my house without a final glance, for I was far too afraid to see how badly I hurt Jake. I know the way that I spoke to him was unforgivable, but I was too drained to handle it in any other way. What did he mean when he said I was choosing someone I couldn't have? I collapsed on the couch, walking a fine line between consciousness and being swallowed by my exhaustion. Edward stood awkwardly behind the other couch, looking anywhere but me. I asked him to come and sit next to me, and he eventually did. I yawned and closed my eyes.

"Did you want me to come back another time? You look exhausted?"

"Would you actually come back if I said yes?" His silence was the answer I expected. "In that case, I'll live. Why are you here, Edward?"

Edward sighed, and when he spoke, he sounded as tired as I felt. "I thought that instead of calling you back, I should come see how you are. It's been a while since I last saw you. You look a lot healthier."

"You only have yourself to blame for not seeing me. I wanted to talk to you, and you appeared to feel the opposite. Now all of a sudden you're here, wanting to see me? Forgive me when I say that I don't get what the fuck your intentions are."

"Of course you don't." Edward looked so worn out, as if each word he muttered was another wound etched on his heart. I almost felt bad for going off at him. Almost. "You're right. I just haven't explained to you _why_. Maybe if I had, you and Black-"

"Jacob?" I stuttered, not believing the turn of events. "What about him?"

"You," he let out a shaky breath. "You kissed him."

I laughed breathlessly, not really believing what I was hearing. "You think that I kissed him?"

"Well... Yeah..."

"No." I said, biting my lip nervously. "It wasn't like that... Are you sure you don't hate me?"

I was acutely away of the way Edward's tired eyes stared at me, and how my fingers itched to reach out and touch him. That spark that I felt earlier... was it just confusion? Am I just delirious with sleep and completely oblivious to differentiate a spark from a _spark_?

_Ugh. Now I have 'socially ignorant' to add to my list of mental disabilities._

"I'm sure." He smiled sadly. I noticed his left hand twitch ever so slightly. Was he wanting to reach out to touch me, too? Should I just suck it up and bite the bullet? Maybe if I just take baby steps – starting off with sliding my and a little closer to him? "Absurd. For you to think that I could hate _you_ of all people."

He muttered the words more to himself than me. I took a deep breath and scooted closer to him. Our thighs were millimeters away from each other's touch, his body heat somehow soothing my currently manic, erratic pacing mind.

"That's just it," I spoke quietly, not staring at Edward, but at the fireplace. "You say things like that... that make it sound like I truly mean something to you... but then you act cold and distant and avoid me for three months. The picture paints itself, don't you think? What else am I meant to think?"

"There is _so_ much I want to tell you, Bella. The list in itself is nearly infinite. I could talk and talk until the end of time, but... I'm scared... Too scared to speak the truth to you. You would probably do exactly what I fear you will."

"What's that?"

"Turn me away."

"But you... You turned me away instead."

"What else was I supposed to do?" he took my hand in his and I nearly gasped at the way his skin felt against mine. The sparks were nearly blinding. "As you know... we've been... friends... for years. The only memories that I want to remember from all my years in the asylum are the ones I shared with you. And Carlisle. When I first saw you, it was like a light beamed down from heaven. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that. Ever since you came into my life, I have been very... Uhhh... Protective... of you."

"Protective. Is that why you... dislike Jake?"

His laugh was borderline maniacal. He ran his other hand through his hair carelessly. He took a deep breath, like I did moments before, and closed in on the narrow distance between us. I couldn't think logically. All I could think about was the way I felt whenever Edward was near me. Whenever he looked at me. Am I... Could I be...?

When I looked into his eyes, I knew the answer.

I love him.

That had to be why I felt this way. Why I was nearly obsessed with seeing him. The way my thoughts always found a way to him. It's all because I was, and still am, in love with him.

Did he know that I was in love with him? I couldn't grasp the thought of him ever wanting to be with me. He seemed like he was an angel on earth, floating above me, all around me, but not on my level. He was in a league of his own.

"Dislike Jake... That's one way of putting it."

"I have no idea what the fuck is happening right now... but I am certain of one thing."

"What's that?"

_Here we go... I'm going to tell him... I have to..._

"I'm in love with -" the phone's loud shrill sliced through me, making me nearly fall out of my seat. Edward was staring at me so intensely I didn't move to answer the phone. When he reached for the phone, he placed it over my ear. His eyes never left mine. Mine never left his.

"Hello?" I answered.

There was a crackling silence in the background. Alarm bells were sounding in the back of my mind. I could feel myself breaking out into a cold sweat.

"Is anyone there?" I nearly whispered.

There was a gentle chuckle, and it felt like all of the air was being punched out of my lungs. My eyes widened at the strangers words before the line went dead.

"Gotcha." he said.


	8. Chapter 7: On My Shoulders

_AN: So I noticed I got no reviews for the last 2 chapters, but heaps of alerts/subscriptions? Thanks I guess :P As always, chapter songs are on my profile. This song is probably one of my faves at the moment. Catchy as hell. Anyway, I'm almost back to full health, thank goodness! Turns out all of my health fails were due to a wheat/gluten/dairy intolerance and I'm thanking my lucky stars that an operation is no longer in the mix for me. Thanks to my beautiful BETA Jen for fixin' up this one. A lot happens in this chapter, my friends. It's the beginning of three jam packed chapters comin' your way. I hope you've brought your umbrellas cause it's gonna start raining hard on us all. ;)_

**Chapter 7: On My Shoulders  
**_Chapter Song: On My Shoulders by The Do_

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_"Blood's thicker than water, and when one's in trouble_  
_Best to seek out a relative's open arms."_  
_**- Unknown**_

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**_

_It's a family affair_, I thought tartly.

Charlie's small lounge room was filled beyond its maximum capacity. There was no spare space at all. We were all crammed together like sardines. I could feel the breath of about six people brushing against my skin. I was beginning to get extremely claustrophobic. Charlie, Sue, Leah, Seth, Jake, Billy, Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Tanya, Esme and Jen were all squeezed into the room after the bomb dropped. I wrapped my arms around my legs and hugged myself tightly.

"Tell me what happened again."

_Oh, for the love of all that is holy! _I fought the urge to bite Charlie's head off with great reluctance. I know that he was only doing this because he cared about me, and really, this was a serious matter, but after hours of interrogation, I was at breaking point. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and forget that tonight ever happened. Consequences be damned.

"Someone called. Said _gotcha_. Hung up. That's it." I murmured.

"Are you sure it was a male?"

"Yes, dad." I'm right on the line of breaking point. One more question and I will fucking lose my shit. Jake glared at Edward as he put his arm over my shoulder. I welcomed his embrace, leaning into him without second thought.

For a while I just stared at Tanya. I was completely shocked at her beauty. She was pretty much a goddess walking on this earth. Who wouldn't be attracted to her, really? If I never received that phone call from her, I knew that I would have been insanely jealous of her. But she assured me that her and Edward were just friends.

_Wait... Why would she go out of her way to tell me that?_

I was about to tell Edward I was in love with him... and that fucking phone call ruined everything. Did Edward sense that I was about to tell him that? Because since then, he hasn't left my side. He spared a glance at me, the corners of his lips turning up into a smile. It made my heart flutter. Maybe he's just worried for me and I'm completely mixing up his gestures? I sighed and closed my eyes, resting my head against his shoulder.

"We have to decide what to do." Jake said harshly. I knew he was still looking at Edward and I.

"What do you suggest?" Alice said, her tone as sharp as a knife's tip. I stared at her, trying to figure out why agitation manifested in her eyes. "Bella said it was a male that called. Do you think that it could be James?"

"It has to be." Rosalie said warily. "But as dubious as this sounds, James Smith is the least of our problems. With have a sociopath on our hands here. We need to figure out how to protect not only Bella, but every single person in this room. She's made it clear that she's willing to take down any person who means something to Bella. And everyone here means something to her."

"So what? Because Bella has a psycho mom, we all have to suffer?" Leah said, her eyes as hard as granite. I felt Edward stiffen beside me and several gasps slicing through the tense silence. Jake was shaking his head as he got up and started pacing. He was muttering words I could not hear.

"How dare you?" Sue said, staring at her daughter in shocked disgust. "Bella's morose is ours. We all feel each other's pain, Leah. And when there isn't pain, there's joy. I have raised you better than this!"

A lump formed in the center of my throat. Leah was right, though... Just because _I _have the psycho mother, everyone has to suffer for it? I have so many loved ones here, willing to do anything for me... and I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of them. I recoiled from Edward's touch, ashamed of myself. I just want to go to my room and cry myself to sleep, like a child. He tried to reach out for me again, but I shook my head_._

How can I be in a room filled with people, but feel so alone?

"She's right." I whispered, wiping a lone tear from my eye. "You all don't have to suffer because of me. I'm so sorry."

"I don't believe this." Charlie muttered sadly.

"Don't." Esme said in anguish. "Don't you start with the guilt, Bella. You were always one to feel guilty for things that _aren't your fault_."

"But-"

"Don't." She repeated, holding a hand up to gesture me to stop talking.

"Oh yes, everyone feel sorry for Bella." Leah growled under her breath.

"What's _really_ on your mind, Leah?" Edward hissed at her. "Get over your jealousy of Bella and take a look around you. Every single person in this room could be in danger – including you. Instead of being pathetically jealous, stop thinking about yourself and look out for your family."

"I hope that Renee _does_ find Bella!"

"You don't mean that." Seth said his eyes angry. "We all love Bella, Leah. If you don't feel the same, you're welcome to go upstairs and sleep. Meanwhile, we're going to figure out how to protect each other because that's what_ families_ do."

Leah and Seth stared at each other for the longest time, before she walked out of the room without a final glance.

_Ouch_.

"I am so sorry." Sue said as she pulled me into a hug. I nodded my head, not able to find the words to speak. They stayed as jumbled letters in my mind, unable to connect together. She left the room, searching for Leah.

"I need to talk to Bella." Emmett said abruptly, standing up. He looked so serious and tired. Guilt hit me again. It was my fault everyone was here, exhausted and scared and paranoid. He glanced at Edward, his eyes softening momentarily. "Alone, Edward."

"Are you sure now's the right time?"

"There will never be a right time." Emmett said quietly, his hand on my back as he guided me out of the room.

Emmett sat down at the kitchen table and stared at me with quiet thought. I didn't move for the chair, instead standing in the middle of the kitchen. I don't know why I was so afraid right now. Maybe I was just expecting the world to continue to crash around me, until concrete or derbies crushed me. Did the old me expect everything to go wrong, because that's all that seemed to happen?

"You might want to sit down for this one, Bells."

The chair legs screeched across the linoleum floors. The silence in the room made the sound so much louder. It had finality in it, were that even possible. Like that sound would be the last thing I would hear before my life was over. I let my body drop to the wooden chair. My body was so tense it ached in protest.

"What's going on, Em?" I asked him nervously. Black spots were blotting my vision. Sweat trickled down the back of my neck. Nausea was winning the fight in my stomach.

"I hate to say this... but it would be so much easier to tell you this if you were the old you."

I smiled warily. "I get that a lot."

"You know how we met, yeah?"

"You're a nurse at the ward. We were pretty close."

He nodded his head curtly. "We were. I looked out for you when you were in the ward, and I like to think that I still look out for you now. That's why I'm telling you this now, instead of waiting... I mean, sorry to sound morbid, but I don't want to wait for you to get your memory back, because I don't know if that's going to happen. And the old you would hate me for keeping this from you for this long."

"Okay." I said, unsure of where this conversation was headed. "So just tell me."

"When you put it like that... Would you rather me just tell you, or give you the story behind what I'm telling you first?"

"Tell me first."

"Are you sure?"

"Just tell me."

"Are you sure you're sure?"

"Emmett!"

"Okay... Bella... I'm your brother."

I leaned back into my seat, then forward, my chest hard against the wooden table. Did I just misunderstand what he said? Did he just say that he's my _brother_? Wouldn't I know if I had a brother? I'm pretty sure this wasn't common knowledge before, because someone would have told me.

My inner monologue went on for several minutes before I realized that Emmett had tears streaming down his face, taking my silence as rejection. My bangles clattered against the table as I reached out for his hand. He grabbed it instantly, a strained smile making an appearance.

"I suppose I should have said yes to that background story of yours."

"I don't remember much about my childhood," Emmett whispered. His eyes grew dark and distant – far out of reach from my grasp. I let him relive his memories without interruption. "Nothing except isolation. I never knew my parents. Not a face, not a name... Nothing. That was one of the things that drew me to you, Bella. You never knew your father. I understood not knowing... Wondering, but never receiving the answers. What did he look like? Was he a good man? Am I better off without him in my life? You asked me all of those questions before you met Charlie, you know. I was still a newborn when I got put into foster care. I jumped from home to home, living a bleak existence." He smiled sadly at me, lighting a cigarette.

"It was lonely, Bella. I was an isolated child. Never quite fitting in with the others. Always a step out of synch with everybody else my age. I never understood why my parents abandoned me. Instead of embracing my adoptive families, I resented them. Completely illogical, but I did. They weren't my _real_ parents, and I wasn't their _real_ child. I honestly believed that there was no real tie to each other, so for the vast amount of my teenage years, I stayed in a homeless shelter. I acted out. I was a little shit, really.

"There was this particular shelter I stayed in when I was seventeen. It changed me, Bella. I saw things that really pulled my existence into perspective. Do you know what I mean? The moment of clarity. It was around that time I decided to pull my finger out of my arse and get my life back on track. Not long after my epiphany, I met my Rose. She was the reason I wanted to be a better person. I still feel that way to this very day. She saved my life when I felt like I couldn't pick myself up again. After meeting you in the ward and learned about what your... _our_ mother did to you... I hated her. I mean it. I had this urge to shelter you from her, and I know that I wasn't the only person that felt that way. You went through things that I wouldn't wish upon anyone..and you came out of it, still you – a good person."

"How did you find out the truth?" I asked through gritted teeth.

I was angry. Not at Emmett, of course, but at his life. The abandonment. The isolation. The acting out. I hated that he went through so much hardship when he was only a little boy. Sometimes the world just seemed like a cruel, horrible place to live in.

"It was Rose that found out the truth. She did background searches on our mother, James and Victoria Smith. Of course, it wasn't legal... but Rose can always find a loophole in the system."

"If there's one thing I've learned about Rosalie, it's that she's incredibly persuasive." I offered weakly.

"Absolutely. Needless to say, what she found was a surprise to us all. She found out that when Renee was just fifteen years old, she was hospitalized in a psychiatric asylum for substance abuse and with her sexual abuse history... Well you know the rest. But what I found interesting was that she was hospitalized not in her native Washington, but in Nevada. She was there for a year. It was then that we found out she was actually pregnant during her time there."

"Is Charlie your dad, too? They were seeing each other from when they were about twelve."

"There's no listing of his name on my birth certificate... Nor hers, for that matter. On paper, I was a nomad child. She... I found out she used to intentionally make me sick. A baby. I just..." He furiously put the cigarette out in a glass astray. His eyes were nearly as dark as coals now. It made me uneasy. "I can't imagine ever wanting to harm something that came from me.. I don't understand it, Bella."

"Neither do I." I said despondently. "Maybe you should bring up the idea of a paternity test to Charlie? I'm sure he would be more than happy to do that."

"I'm not sure if I want to know, to tell you the truth. Charlie is a wonderful man, and that is exactly why I'm afraid to do the test. If he _isn't_ my dad... I just..." His voice trailed off into a quiet whisper. It reminded me of a leaf picking up into the wind, dancing away in the silence. I squeezed Emmett's hand tightly, wishing I knew what to say to make this all better. But no words could ever make the damage that Renee has caused go away – even if he was too young to remember it.

"No matter what happens... I'm here. We're family." The words probably meant nothing to him, but they meant everything to me. Emmett and I share the same blood. I would do anything for him now. I _felt_ the connection that we had. It went so much deeper than blood. Was this my subconscious telling me of our bond? I hoped so.

"Same here, kiddo. She was sick for a very long time. They ended up realizing what she did to me... The beatings... All that... and put me into foster care. She left before she got arrested."

My heart squeezed and ached with each word Emmett's broken voice spoke. This whole situation was different when it was only about Renee mistreating me. I had amnesia, and as horrible as this may sound, I could deal with it. I had nothing more to lose than what she'd already done to me. If she came after me, it would have been fine... Hell, I've been expecting it for three months now... But to hear that Emmett had endured the same hardships that I had... It made me see red. It made me want to hunt her down and give her a piece of her own medicine. In many ways, Emmett had it a lot worse than I did... At least I had Alice and Esme to seek asylum. He didn't have that with anyone. He lived seventeen years of his life alone, until he met Rosalie.

I got out of my chair and hugged Emmett with all of the love and strength I could draw from my heart.

Em... My flesh and blood... My family... was probably feeling exactly as I have been over the last three months.

Completely lost.

I'm almost certain he would be going through the motions. Anger. Confusion. Denial. An awful case of mistaken identity. Emmett hugged me just as fiercely. I prayed that he could feel the love I was trying to offer in our embrace.

"I thought you'd hate me after this."

"How could you think such a thing?"

"I'm not sure."

"You're a silly jelly bean."

His laugh made my entire body shake. I couldn't help but laugh too.

"I don't know how I know this," I muttered against his shoulder. "But I can feel it, Em. I loved you like a brother. Now, it's just official."

He laughed softly.

"How are you feeling about all of this?"

"A little better, thanks to you. I feel a little less alone in the world, you know?"

"I feel the same way."

I looked into my brothers eyes, fascinated that he was actually... well.. my brother. We, of course, shared similar features – the rosy cheeks, the dimple on the left cheek whenever we smiled, the same eye shape... but there were major differences... things that would have made it harder to detect that we were related.

His eyes were the color of bottled beer. The lightest brown, and occasionally flecks of green and yellow would sparkle in his irises. He had jet black hair, extremely curly and a large build. Extremely large. Almost as large as Charlie's frame.

"When exactly did you find all this out?"

"You mean, how long have I been waiting to tell you?" I nodded. "About a week after you were hospitalized. I was waiting to tell you once you got your memory back, but now... Now I don't know."

The sadness in my own voice made me want to break down and cry. "You don't think I'm ever going to remember, do you?"

"I don't know, Bella bear." He hugged me again and that's when I broke down. The string that was too tight snapped and couldn't be repaired again. I started to cry. It wasn't the silent crying, but hysterical, convulsing sobs that came from deep within my chest. I was crying from my heart, from my soul. Emmett just hugged me back, telling me that everything was going to be okay, because we had each other now. Family.

I wanted to tell him that his words meant so much to me, but I couldn't get the words to come out... but I hoped that he knew. I'd like to think that he does.

When I finally managed to calm myself down, almost an hour later, I told Emmett what I couldn't before. He smiled like a child at Christmas, his dimples transforming his adult features into childish ones.

"I know, Bella. I know."

* * *

"_I always find myself here, you know." I whispered to him. The sun was beginning to set. We were sitting on a blanket, his arms around me loosely. His scent was all around me. It was my favorite fragrance._

"_I know, love. When I don't know where you are, this is the first place I look."_

"_It's just so peaceful, you know? If I ever think too much or life becomes too overwhelming, this is the place I always end up. There's something about this place."_

"_You've found your safe place in our backyard." He said, his smile wide. I laughed and nodded my head. "I try not to laugh when I see you working in the garden, or dancing around the lemon tree."_

_My laughter was loud, as was his._

"_There's another safe place of mine, you know."_

"_Oh yeah? Where's that?"_

"_In your arms." I told him as I leaned against his chest._

I gasped loudly, abruptly sitting up from my mattress. My eyes frantically searched the room, slowly taking in the dimly lit room. I wiped the sweat beads that were running down my temple and let out a long breath.

_It was just a dream..._

"But was it?" I whispered to myself, feeling downright confused.

It didn't feel like a regular dream. It felt like a memory... I shook my head, unable to recall much of it anymore and got out of bed. I took a seat by the window and stared out into darkness, until it became no more.

The house was completely silent.

It was dusk, and I sat by my window completely captivated by the way the sun broke over the horizon. The sky was so surreal, different shades of blues, oranges, reds and even purples, the clouds black. The smell of rain was prominent, and I basked in the scent of it. But the silence gripped me. I was reminded of the term _'the calm before the storm'_. Was this the calm before the storm? The eerie stillness of the outside world made me anxious.

Maybe I was just being paranoid.

Condensation was beginning to form at the corners of my window. I could feel the crisp bite of winter, even inside the safety of my home. It would probably snow today. It was certainly cold enough to do so.

I thought about my mood diary, and how I haven't written in it for nearly a month. It was now the beginning of December, and my last entry was in the first week of October. I wanted to remember how I was feeling during my amnesia when... if... I remember.

The squeaking of mattress strings snapped me out of my thoughts. I craned my neck and when I caught sight of what was in my bed, my heart fluttered from my chest to my throat. And it stayed there. I couldn't breathe. Edward was still in a deep slumber, sprawled and entangled between pillows and blankets. His head was resting against his arm, his mouth slightly open. His breathing and deep and slow, almost rhythmic. His bronze hair was covering his eyes.

_He's so beautiful_.

I'm not quite sure how the sleeping arrangements ended up with Edward staying in my room, but when it was decided, it was like the clouds parted and light descended from the heavens. _Rejoice! Edward's sharing a room with me! _Of course, Jake, who also admitted his love for me today, was furious. That's not quite the right word. He went fucking ape shit. He screamed at me and even tried to throw a punch at Edward before storming out of the house into the silence of the night. I know that I should have tried to stop him, to reason with him, but I just couldn't. The truth was, if I had to choose between him and Edward, it would be Edward. Every time.

Edward was here... and for some reason, whenever I was around him, it felt like... I arrived home. My world. My everything.

_Oh shit_. I'm in so deep... with a person I've technically seen three times. With a person who I thought didn't give a damn about me, and avoided me for three months. Is that pathetic? Am _I _pathetic? I probably am. I must have been in love with Edward before the accident. I must have, because I felt his presence... his light and energy long before I knew I loved him. The question that played in my mind was whether I actually told him how I felt.

After the whole ordeal with Jake going psycho and storming out, Edward and I immediately resided to my room. I ended up sleeping on a mattress (much to his protests) and he slept in my bed. His breathing only leveled out just about an hour ago. I hoped he was having peaceful dreams.

I slowly and quietly opened my suitcase, trying to search for a jacket. The temperature was sending a sharp bite to what little exposed skin I had. When I came across a jacket with a faux fur rimmed hood, something was urging me to pick it up. Screaming in my mind to wear it. A siren. A neon sign.

I put the jacket on and sighed with content as warmth flooded through me. But it felt... heavy? Far too heavy in the pocket areas. When I put my fingers in both pockets, I pulled out a wallet and a set of keys. I was careful not to let the keys clank together as I quietly slipped them back in my pocket. I was more interested in the plain leather wallet that screamed familiarity. When I opened it I nearly lost my balance. Everything in this wallet was mine...

Credit & ATM cards. A library card. A student card for a campus I never heard of. And the one thing that made me nearly laugh from relief.

My license.

But it wasn't the license itself that I was interested in... It was my home address.

_I finally know the address of my home. My home with Edward._

I nervously glanced over to Edward, who to my relief, was still asleep. Should I do what my mind is screaming at me to do? It's wrong if I do... But...

"Ahh shit." I whispered, mentally scolding myself.

My mind didn't need much persuasion. I quietly exited my silent house, deciding to take matters into my own hands. One of those keys would be my house key. I was going to go back to my shared home with Edward... Alone.


	9. Chapter 8: Not The Sun

_**WARNING: Massive AN **- I am back from hiatus, friends. :) I've been up to my neck in real life dramas, school work and a major lack of mojo for writing... but for now, the creative juices are flowing again. HAPPY HALLOWEEN! What did ya'll dress up as? I was Malice in Horrorland ;) It's my birthday on Thursday (4 Nov) and I'm planning to upload Chapter 9 for you all. A birthday present from me. Haha. I hope you enjoy this one. This chapter is very important - many things happen for our Edward and Bella (surprise surprise). I like to call this the revelation chapter. As usual, the chapter song is on my profile. __Let me know what you think of this one, friends. Personally, it's one of my faves. _

_A massive, huge, giant thank you to my guest beta, Misty, for filling in for our good friend Jen, who got married on Friday! Congrats babe! I hope your special day was amazing and filled with unconditional love (which I'm sure it was!)_

**Chapter 9: Not The Sun  
**_Chapter Song: Not The Sun by Brand New_

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_"Love is a sudden revelation;_  
_A kiss is always a discovery."_

**_-Unknown._**

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**EPOV:**

Winter. Winter. Winter.

Win... Ter. Win-fucking-ter.

_I really fucking hate winter._

An apparent ludicrous comment to make to some. "How can you hate winter, Edward?", "But it's the season of kindness and love!", "That's just not normal, Edward." Well you know what, fuck you. Being a native from Chicago, these Forks winters don't have shit on my childhood city. But I digress. There was nothing fucking welcoming about the brittle crispness of winter air. There was nothing fucking welcoming about icy, foreboding roads and there sure as hell wasn't anything comforting about inches upon inches of snow that imprisons you indoors for days at a time. Not to mention the colds and flu that you're more than likely to succumb to.

So excuse me if I'm not a fucking winter enthusiast.

_I really, really fucking hate winter._

Truth be told, I have detested winter with a searing passion since my parents died. The first Christmas without them was one of the most emotionally painful experiences of my childhood. Christmas time was meant to be the happiest time of a child's life, right? Not mine. It was a devastating reminder that my parents wouldn't be there to sing Christmas carols, or make homemade ginger bread man, or pass me presents under the Christmas tree. The first winter without them was the time my childhood innocence well and truly died. And fuck, when my grandparents died just three months after my parents...I never thought I would have been able to survive the pain that constantly tore through my gaping heart each and every moment of every day.

_Did I also forget to mention I really, really, REALLY hate winter?_

The only way I managed to survive the agony was to shut it all out until the memories wouldn't suffocate me anymore. For fifteen years I continued to run from any childhood memories that involved Elizabeth and Edward Masen Sr, good or bad. It seems that was much easier to just run from the problem, right? Wrong. Fucking dead wrong. There comes a time when you can't run from it any longer. I just couldn't do it anymore. In order for to me to grow and move on, although I was extremely reluctant in my own way to do so, I needed to come to terms with my parents death.

Yes, it was fucked up. Inexplicably monstrous. Evil. But it wasn't my fault. I finally let myself believe those words after fifteen years of blaming myself.

"It. Was. Not. My. Fault," I muttered against the coffee cup I held to my lips. The porcelain cup felt hot against my skin.

"What was that?" Alice asked as she cut through her strawberry waffles.

Every now and then I needed to speak the words out loud to somehow make it seem more...potent. Every time I speak the words, the gaping wound that my parents unintentionally left behind slowly started to heal.

Very fucking slowly.

"Just thinking about my parents."

She smiled sadly and put her knife and fork down. Alice and I had a heart to heart this morning. We shared secrets that we haven't shared with the rest of the world, and it was nice; incredibly painful, but still nice. I know it must have been so difficult for her to have kept her particular secret she shared with this morning from me for all these months, but I didn't blame her like she thought I would. If I were in her situation, I would have done the same thing.

Of course, it was torture to hear it all although I knew her secret already. Maybe that's what lessened the blow marginally.

"I'm so glad that Edward has someone else to talk to about this now. I was afraid he was going to explode at one point," Tanya said.

I had so much love for Tanya Denali it wasn't even funny. Before today, she had been the only person I could confide in these past few months. She has been there for me in so many different shapes and forms that I didn't know how to even begin to repay her... Not that she'd ever ask that of me, but I intend to repay her. How could I not? Of course I will.

As fucking dark as my life has been in recent months, she has been my light at the end of the tunnel. She's also the prevalent reason as to why I was able to move on, forgive myself for my parent's death, and travel to Chicago two weeks ago to visit my parents for the first time since the funeral.

Fuck oath, she certainly twisted my arm to go through with it and I'm glad she pushed me. If I hadn't gone there, I wouldn't have received any form of closure.

"You know about it?" Alice gasped.

"Edward told me, yes, but that was only because he didn't know what to do, or who to talk to at the time. I'm so glad you've confided in each other. Did you want me to leave so you can keep talking about it, or?"

"There's not much that can be said about it, Tanya."

"Your eyes say otherwise, big boy. You know, you never told me what went down in Chicago."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow the fuck down," Alice cried out. "You went back to Chicago?"

_Thanks, Tanya. Really. Just thanks._

_Fucking hell! What on earth am I going to tell them?_

I purposely chewed slowly, buying myself some time. I tried to think of the best way to word my experience in Chicago just days ago.

"You went by yourself? We would have gone with you, Edward! Why didn't you tell us? When did you go?" Esme asked in one large gulp of breath.

Was it exhilarating? Hell no, that would involve any form of excitement. Humbling? Definitely not. Bitterweet? Surreal? Absolutely gut wrenching?

"I went a few days ago," I said quietly not able to look anyone in the eye at the moment. "It was extraordinary. That's the only word I can think of that could even come close to how it felt to go back home. I was bombarded with so many different memories."

"You didn't run, did you?" Tanya asked nervously.

"No." I took a deep breath and looked from Alice to Esme to Tanya, and even to Jen who was sitting on my lap. Her large blue eyes gazed into mine curiously and innocently. She tapped my lips with her tiny fingertips. Pain hit me square in the chest. "I've done enough running for a lifetime and a half."

That was all I knew how to do for so long run from hurt. In order to block out all of the bad, you had to wipe away the good, too. You had to run and run and keep running until you don't know why you're running anymore. It had gotten to the point where I almost forgot everything about my loving, admiral parents; my parents who died to save me. And how the fuck did I keep their memory alive? By pretending they never fucking existed.

Talk about a slap in the face.

"I realized something. Life's all about balance, yeah?"

"Like _Ying and Yang_, right?"

"Exactly. In order to experience the good, you have to go through the bad as well. Yeah, of course what happened to them was despicable but, because of all the bad, I pushed away the good and there was a shit load of good, you know? I didn't have one of those fucked up upbringings, filled with domestic violence, school bullying or me being a delinquent little shit."

"I can't imagine you as a child ever being a little shit," Esme said, grinning.

"Sh...eeeeett." Jen gurgled, giggling after she repeated our naughty word.

Esme's hand flew over her mouth in shock while Tanya and Alice howled with laughter. Jen grinned toothily at me and I couldn't help but laugh as well. She knew exactly what she was doing...the little shit.

Correction – sheet.

As Esme took Jen from my arms and mockingly told her off, I thought of long, hot summers and bronze hair that cascaded over the same green eyes I inherited.

My mom.

I thought back to my childhood.

Every summer my parents and I would go visit my grandparents on their farm. I always loved going to the farm being surrounded by fields of hay and the smell of the sunshine. We would sit on the porch for hours just sipping on lemonade and watching clouds dancing across the sky.

"Our ancestors are waving to us right now, Eddie," Mama said to me one summer, with a kind smile on her face. The smile she'd always smile. "When we leave this world, we reside in the sky, keeping watch over our loved ones. Protecting them."

She wrapped her arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

"We live in the sky when we die? Will you be watching me from the sky?"

"Of course I will, sweetie. And Grandma and Grandpa and Papa will, too."

"We will be watching over you, with the rest of our loved ones, forever at peace," Grandma said with an all knowing smile.

There were so many things I forced myself to forget until the day I visited the Masen farm where my family were all buried just days ago. The color of my mom's hair. The smirk I inherited from my dad. How small I was when he hugged me. My mother's soft hands as she wiped away my tears when I'd hurt myself. Their soft words of encouragement and eyes beaming with pride, no matter what I chose to do in life at the time, which wasn't much at all.

The anticipation...shit, there was so much of it. I was perspiring in the car as I drove up the winding driveway to my grandparent's farm, where the Masens had been buried generation after generation. As soon as I saw the large, two story farmhouse came into view, I was bombarded with pleasant memories and this time I didn't try to push them away.

I let myself slip beneath the surface of reality, and almost drowned in the good. I wanted to kick myself for not from returning to my roots sooner. Now that I was here, I couldn't explain the happiness I felt. Sure, it was bittersweet, because my parents weren't here, but it was almost as if light erupted through the home. Somehow I knew that my entire family was here, welcoming me home.

God, I had so many fond memories of that place. The smell of wheat. The way the sun would seem more vibrant in contrast to the orange of the farm. My father and I playing hide and seek for hours in the fields. He would always let me find him, no matter what. My mother and nonna teaching me how to make pumpkin pie. My pop making the best homemade lemonade this side of North America, and how he patiently taught me how to play the piano when I was five. Sitting on the porch with them, just watching the days roll in and out like time was never a factor.

I missed them so fucking much my chest ached.

I sat by their grave, leaning against their joint tombstone for hours, crying, laughing, talking and crying some more. I told them about everything that has happened in my life since they were cruelly taken from this world – my time in the asylum, my teaching degree, overcoming my mutism, my first encounter with the Cullen family. I told them how damn hard it was for me to come and see them, and the biggest obstacle of them all – Isabella Marie Swan.

I softly wiped away dirt and moss from their tombstones, placing the bouquet of flowers I brought with me in a vase by mom's grave when I began to speak well and truly from the heart.

"Mom, Dad," I rasped. "So much has happened since you've gone. I knew that there would be times where you would have told me to pull my finger out and keep going...but it's been hard."

I laughed sadly. "But I want you to know...I'm trying. I really am. I know that's all you'd ever want me to do. To try. It's just been draining. In the past few months I've been seeing a new psychologist. She's really helped me with some insecurities that I've been dealing with, especially with the blood thing."

I felt absolutely fucking ridiculous talking to two tombstones, but I couldn't stop talking. I needed to let all this shit out. I haven't had a soul that I could talk to about absolutely everything since Bella lost her memory. Not one fucking person. I took a deep breath and leaned against dad's stone.

"No one knows I'm here...well that's a lie." I smiled, thinking of Tanya. She helped me organize the trip without letting anyone know. That's what I loved about her. Even if she didn't approve of my choices, she still supported me. I would do the same for her. "I'm sorry it took me this long to come back. I was just running. I'm sure you know my reasons."

I looked up at the sky, as if they were waving at me from the heavens.

"You would have loved her," I told them about Bella quietly, as I listened to crickets frolicking around the fields of hay. "She has been through so much in her life, you know? You would have been devastated to hear it all, but you would have been proud of how strong she has become because of it. Since the whole amnesia ordeal, and finding out about...I just...I haven't been coping."

I trailed off, not truly ready to rip the band-aid off just yet. Instead, I talked about my work, and also tutoring in my spare time. About Carlisle and Esme, and how they reminded me so much of them. My goddaughter, Jen.

I wiped my tears away furiously, trying to get a grip.

"I'm so sorry it took me so long to come and see you. I hope you can forgive me for that...I...I just hope to someday make you both proud." I whispered through my tears.

Somehow I knew they were listening. There was something in the way the wind blew that told me they were sitting with me, telling me that they _are_ proud. Or maybe that was my attempt at making myself feel a little less alone in the world.

The Masen family farm was inherited to me, of course. I was the only living ancestor left in the immediate family but could I ever return here?

I wasn't sure.

I wanted to, but it was too soon.

Maybe someday in the future, when I have my own children. Pain shot through me so swiftly I winced.

"Are you going to tell Bella the truth?" Tanya asked me as she took our empty plates over to the sink. She leaned against the basin and frowned when I didn't answer her. "Edward, you've got to tell her."

"Let's just leave it all alone for now." I said lamely.

_Bella_.

Of course everything always comes back to her. It seemed almost like gravity. An inevitable force of sorts. I knew that my love for her was somewhat unhealthy. Would most people be willing to do absolutely anything for their significant other even if they never asked the words for you to do so? I had a feeling that not many people would do absolutely anything for the one they love. There was not a single thing I wouldn't sacrifice for Bella. And it hurts so much more—were it a possibility—because she doesn't know it anymore.

She has no idea how much I really love her.

Sure, I was willing to fight for love but not when I'm the only one left fighting. Was this another damn epiphany of mine? Was I realizing that it was time to let Bella go? To no longer hold on to what we were, and move on with my life?

Fucking hell, the last thing I wanted to do was let her go. Every fiber of my deteriorating being was screaming at me not to be so fucking stupid...to just wait for her memory to come back. Then we could resume the rest of our lives together...

Why did those words seem so fucking deluded?

I was force feeding myself all of these fucking counterfeit disillusions of a happy ending for us. Good things come to those who wait, right? Wrong. Fucking wrong. Only until recently have I started to realize that there was a more than likely probability that the chances of Bella recovering her memory was about as likely as me becoming a rock star. That hurts more than her not knowing.

Maybe I really should put the house up for lease and move back to the Masen farm. Away from Forks. Away from Washington. Away from any reminder of the tall, slender young woman with chocolate brown eyes that doesn't love me anymore.

_Fuck!_

Stop. Thinking. About. Isabella. Fucking. Swan.

"You have to tell her the truth, especially since Alice and Carlisle suspect-"

"Don't," I said, feeling completely exasperated. "I can't think about the could've beens. I'll drown in them if I do. I can't handle anymore than I am right now."

"You'll never drown, son. We're your lifejackets." Esme sounded like such a mother.

"Or your arm floaties!"

"Or your...Noodle?" Alice offered.

"You're my wheat product?"

She laughed, sounding like bells. "You know, those long foam sticks that you sit on? Comes in many fashionable fluorescent colors?"

"Oh yeah!" Tanya exclaimed. "Those things are fudgin' AWESOME!"

Something in Alice's demeanor changed in the blink of an eye. Her brow was creased and she had a frown on her face. She looked around in a daze before her mouth parted in shock.

"I'll be right back," Alice practically yelled, walking quickly out of Charlie's kitchen before anyone could say anything in reply.

Apparently it didn't seem that out of the blue, because Esme and Tanya were on my ass again. They just don't fucking give up, do they?

"You have to tell her, Edward. She won't run from you like you think she will."

"For the love of all that is Holy," I growled. "Just drop it, _please_."

"I'll drop it, but only after you hear me out. You can't keep trying to keep everything from Bella. You love her. Any fool can see that. And you know what, she loves you as well. I could see it in her eyes last night. She's just too scared to tell you."

I sighed loudly.

"She was afraid, and for good reason. Her psychopath mother has finally tracked her down, and she needed comfort. That doesn't mean she loves me."

"Shut up, she loves you," Esme said, "and you're only hurting yourself by keeping the truth from her."

"She totally does! The way she looks at you is exactly how the old Bella used to. Nothing but unconditional love behind her eyes."

"She's right, son. Listen to your heart. What does it tell you?"

_Home is where the heart is, Edward...And your heart is in her hands. It always has been, and always will be._

I prompted for a more witty response.

Before I could tell Esme that what she just said was really fucking lame, Alice came running back into the room, as pale as the snow outside. She was shaking like a leaf.

"Edward, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"What's wr-"

"Just follow me, okay?"

She started walking away before I even stood up. I had to jog to catch up with her, and when I did, she was already taking brisk strides up the stairs. I grew more and more anxious by the second. Her silence was eating at me. As we stood outside Bella's door, I knew what was wrong.

She threw open Bella's door and signaled with her hand for me to go in first. My blood froze dead in my veins as I realized that Bella wasn't anywhere to be seen. I rushed to the window, seeing that her truck was gone.

"Fuck!" I yelled.

My heart started racing erratically. I followed her out of the room and we split up as we searched every room for Bella. Ten minutes later, we met back down in the kitchen. Esme and Tanya were looking at us, wild eyed. We hadn't told them what we discovered.

"Did you find her?"

"No."

"Did you?"

"No."

"Shit!" Alice yelled angrily, picking up her car keys.

"We have to find her."

I quickly ran upstairs to put my shoes back on. I wanted to fucking hit myself for not keeping a better eye on her. How long had she been gone? Was she even _safe_ right now? I tried to weigh all of the places where Bella would have gone, but my mind came up short, mainly because I don't know where this new Bella would go.

_Don't call her that. She's still Bella. You know she is._

How could none of us have noticed she left? Who knows how long she's been gone? What the fuck were we going to do if something happened to her?

I glanced at her suitcase that was thrown open carelessly; the one I brought over for her last night. I knew that her wallet, which I put in at the top, was gone. It was a bright pink _Hello Kitty_ wallet. _Very _hard to miss. That could only mean she would go to the one place she hasn't since she woke up…our home.

My heart stopped dead in my chest.

I ran as fast I could back to Alice. I could hear her talking frantically fast to Esme and Tanya. The front door was wide open.

"Alice," I said as I met her outside. "I think I know where she went."

"Then lead the way, Eddie," she said as she threw me her car keys.

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**BPOV:  
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I stood outside, staring at the cottage in disbelief and astonishment.

_I used to live here?_

My mouth fell open and I felt completely dumfounded. This place...it was truly beautiful. It was definitely not something that I expected a twenty year old to live in comfortably. The house looked like something out of a freakin' Disney movie, not somewhere you'd live in Forks, Washington! It was a beautiful stone cottage, with a gravel driveway. I walked through the garden, which had a table and chairs near the front door. The garden was breathtaking, flowers blooming with pink, white, red and purple. Their scent was divine. I smiled to myself. This place immediately feels like home to me. For the first time in three months, it feels like I've found the place where I belong.

I originally only wanted to come here to pick up the rest of my possessions, but now I'm extremely intrigued.

I stood in front of the front door, suddenly feeling lost. Should I really be doing this? I know what I'm doing is wrong...holy shit, it's wrong...breaking and entering into Edward's home. In my defense, this was once my home too. I prepared meals in the kitchen, watched television in the lounge, relaxed in bed and talked to him in these walls. _We _shared this place...together.

I pulled out the set of keys and tried to fit each one in the front door. When hope was dwindling, and I was down to my last key, it slid in easily and opened. I slowly walked inside, and felt several different emotions wash over me.

_This is my home_.

I left the front door open, completely captivated by this house.

_I know this house._

The inside was almost the polar opposite to what I expected. The outside is old fashioned, but timeless, but the inside is…completely modern. I stood still in the lounge room, taking it all in. It was extremely simplistic, but not in a bad way. I kicked off my shoes and walked over the black and white carpet. The wool tickled the bottom of my feet and in between my toes. I turned on the wall lamp next to the television and stared out the large windows.

The backyard was stunning, much like the front yard. Hundreds of thousands of trees blended and molded together far into the distance, like a painting. The sky was bright blue, not a cloud in the sky. There were several photo frames on the mantelpiece. There was one photo that immediately caught my attention. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of it.

It was a photo of Edward and me. It was obviously a candid shot. Whoever took the photo did a fantastic job. We were standing in a gazebo overlooking Forks National Forest, staring into each other's eyes. The sun was just beginning to set, purples and oranges blending in together beautifully. My arms were wrapped around his neck and his around my waist. We looked so...in love. I put the photo frame down. How is that possible? We were just friends. He looked me in the eye and told me that's all we were. Friends. He wouldn't lie to me, would he? I frowned. I'm obviously over analyzing the situation. Maybe I could just see how in love _I_ was with _him_?

I walked down the hallway looking for my bedroom. There was a tight feeling in my chest. My fingers lightly brushed against the walls as I continued walking.

It was a beautiful home, but how could we both afford to live here? There is no way that two people under twenty five could afford such a lavish home like this. And why was it only just us two? Wouldn't that be weird? How was I able to look at him without noticing his beauty? Maybe I loved him, but never told him. Or maybe we really were just friends. What on earth would he see in a girl like me anyway? That's probably why he avoided me for so long, despite his explanation.

I opened the first door in the corridor, walking in quickly. It was a bedroom, with a blue feature wall, but mostly white wall paper. Was this my room? I opened the drawers and found jackets and dresses, but otherwise no other clothing that belonged to me. I stared at the double bed and its crisp white sheets and felt nothing. Maybe this is Edward's room? I opened several other doors in the corridor, only finding a study and a bathroom. I let out a shaky breath as I opened the last door, at the end of the hallway and stepped in.

I stumbled back, against the door, losing my breath.

"I know this room," I whispered.

I couldn't believe it! Familiarity gripped me so tightly it was hard to breathe. It was easily the largest of the two bedrooms in the home, wide and spacious and welcoming. Paintings in large frames were in the far corner. The walls were painted a dark cream color and candles sat on one of the bedside drawers. The bed was king size and one side was unmade. It looks like this was Edward's room. If that's the case, why do I feel like this is _my_ room?

I ran to the drawers, seeing my face through the large mirror above it. I had tears in my eyes and I was as pale as a ghost.

_I know this room_.

The glass vase filled with lilies and roses shook violently as I threw open the top drawer, searching for my clothes. For anything that showed me that this was my room. Clothes that were far too masculine to be mine were in the six drawers. I growled and paced frantically. There was another closet by the door. I threw the drawer open, almost knocking a potted plant on the top over. I saw several pairs of jeans and t-shirts, along with girl's shoes.

My knees met the floorboards with a loud _thud_.

This was Edward's and my room. _Our room_.

That would mean that he lied to me. There is no fucking way that we would share a room and just be friends. How could he lie to me like this? Did he take satisfaction in looking at me as if I meant nothing to him? Maybe that was exactly how he thought of me, as just a liability and this was a perfect chance for him to start fresh. Away from me.

I walked past the polished, black drawers and sat on the right side of the bed where the covers were neat. I picked up the photo frame, my fingers brushing across the glass. It was another photograph of Edward and me.

It was a black and white photograph, at a house I didn't know. There were lanterns lighting the area, where it was dark, and Edward had his arm wrapped around my shoulder. We were both dressed formally, him in a tuxedo and I in a silk dress. I was leaning against his shoulder smiling. Our faces were barely touching. He was looking at me serenely. I shakily put the frame back down feeling frantic.

By the window there was a chair filled with Edward's clothes. My heart fluttered at the thought of Edward and I sharing this bed together...

On the same bedside drawer that had the photo frame, I noticed something I didn't before. It was a dried out white flower, a rose to be precise, with specks of brown. Could that be...blood? Why would Edward keep something like that? I gnawed at my lip, not knowing what to do. I glanced at the time. The sun would be setting soon, thanks to winter. I got up to walk out, but something pulled me back to the flower. I leaned forward, looking at the dried out flower curiously.

When my fingers brushed against the dry petals, I gasped.

Images flashed through my mind like I was watching a film. The first image was of Alice and me when we were children, running through an open field, holding hands and laughing. Then I saw Esme, Alice and I, still young, sitting at a table eating lasagna.

The images started flashing across my eyelids faster.

_Flash, flash, flash._

My mother pulling me away from a house in flames. I was screaming and she was maniacal, yelling back at me. My mother hitting my so hard I slammed against a wall. Sitting in a hospital wing staring at Renee reading a magazine. Walking through a hospital ward feeling lost. Seeing Carlisle, smiling at me patiently for the first time. Meeting my dad when I was eighteen...the way his hands shook when I stared at him.

_Flash, flash, flash._

Slamming into a warm, tall boy. Looking into his eyes and feeling as if time stopped. _Edward_. Him tending to my wounds, telling me that he never wants to lose me. Finding out the truth about Alice. The court trial. Him handing me a house key and whispering 'welcome home' in my ear. Holding my goddaughter, Jen, for the first time. My first time with Edward. Confiding in Alice about my excitable secret. Nights where we babysat Jen and Edward asked if I ever wanted kids. Falling from the cliff at First beach. Looking up as I was falling to see Renee staring at me.

"Oh my God." I dropped the flower and it made no sound as it fell to the ground.

_I remember...everything._


	10. Chapter 9: Paradise Circus

_A/N: Oh hi thurr. Is anyone there? Sorry about the horrid delay in uploading this chapter, but hopefully the wait won't be as long. Let me know what you think of this chapter, yeah? And be sure to go to my profile to check out the chapter song. I say this a lot, but I mean it this time!, this chapter song is one of my all time faves. Seemed to fit in perfectly, in my opinion. Thank you to Misty for checking this shizz out :) The next chapter is practically done, so it should be up soon! Review :)_

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just the twisted, distorted versions of our fave characters.**

**Chapter 9: Paradise Circus  
**_Chapter Song: Paradise Circus by Massive Attack_

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"That saying, about how you always kill the thing you love?  
Well, it works both ways."

**- Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk**

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**BPOV:  
**_Think of a word, Bella. You know you'll keep thinking about it until you're blue in the face… Pain? Is that what I'm experiencing right now? Physical pain? No. What I'm feeling is much more complex than that. Maybe I should look for a dictionary. It's bugging me that I can't find an accurate word for my emotions. _

Shit. Why am I overanalyzing this?

I wasn't quite sure why I was obsessing over how I feel right now. It must be my way of staying remotely calm about, well, _remembering everything_. My logic seems to follow that if I know how I'm feeling, I can go through the motions properly. There seemed to be no real words that could really pinpoint the precise emotion that had been swimming through my thoughts for the past hour or so. For a while it made me feel increasingly cantankerous, but now… it made me feel… empty. I guess that's the main reason why I'm pushing for a word. If there was one thing I couldn't handle, it was the feeling of emptiness – feeling inexplicably numb. It reminded me far too much of my time in the psychiatric ward. I needed to find another way to analyze and decipher this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't like the feeling, telling me that all of this trouble was far from over.

Should I keep obsessing over words that simply didn't measure up to the extent of my feelings? Probably not. It would drive me bat shit to keep torturing myself over a word I couldn't find. I could try to write poetry, perhaps?

Ugh, as if I have time for that shit right now when I can't even think of a damn word for my feelings.

It was like I was living in a dream… No… That wouldn't be the right to way to explain it. It was like I was living in a perpetual nightmare. A ghoulish, but realistic nightmare I was trapped in. I had been drowning through deep, dark waters, feeling the arms of the unforgiving darkness pulling me under so fiercely I thought I wouldn't resurface. I thought the former part of myself was going to die without a trace.

This seems like some kind of fucked up movie; a grainy as hell, silent movie. I could almost picture myself sitting on the couch, watching the terrible quality movie with a bowl of popcorn in my lap except it wasn't a pleasurable movie. There weren't cheesy, lovey dovey lines, or comedic cues to fill the silence. I sat and I watched in horror, with no way to stop it.

How on earth was it all fucking possible? How could I manage to watch myself from outside of my own body? I know that such a thing wasn't physically possible, but it was happening anyway. How? How the fuck can this happen? There are so many questions that I wasn't currently receiving answers to but that was a drop in the ocean. I still had thousands of questions that I know I will never get the answers to but I keep on asking. I keep on wondering. No matter all the questions I continue to ask, there never seemed to be the relief of explanations to the devastation I experienced.

The movie kept playing over and over. I was still watching like it was an accident. I couldn't keep my eyes away from. I watched myself as my waterfall of tears hit my damp clothing. Watching myself fall. Watching my hands shake so much I couldn't reach for the blood flower. Watching my pale skin turn almost translucent from shock.

All I could do was watch myself disintegrate and cry.

I watched the understanding wash over my shocked eyes. I watched as my life fluttered past my eyelids with each blink on fast forward. Watching my triumphs. Watching my failures. Watching myself crumble under the pressure. Watching myself rise above the ashes of my former self and then watching myself fall apart all over again. Watching the vicious cycle play over and over until a strangled cry emerged from the depths of my soul and out of my lips.

I felt sick to my core.

I need to think of a word. Just one word.

Maybe I should really go and grab the dictionary. It's only one room away from mine and Edward's…

_Ding, ding, ding! We have a fucking winner!_

A metaphor!

Try to think of a metaphor to describe your emotions. If being practical doesn't work, thinking outside the 'Bella' box usually does the trick.

It didn't take my mind long to think of a perfect word.

_Fire _- excruciating, searing, and blistering licks of fire.

I could almost feel the hot flames charring my vulnerable flesh, making me wince and cry out in agony - devouring my entire body until I was turned into nothing more than ash and dust. I was on the brink of oblivion. I had been bathing in the thick liquid of gasoline and was now doused in the flames. But who flicked the match in my direction? Who was willing to set me on fire and let me suffer such agony?

I could think of a few people who want me dead… quite literally.

I had to keep thinking about this. I'm a woman obsessed.

I sat in the backyard of my home for so long I lost track of time. Of course, this somewhat failed to surprise me. My mind was racing at a million miles an hour and I wouldn't expect time to be able to keep up with my racing thoughts. I was surprised, however, that I was able to keep up. There was still so much I couldn't even fathom to grasp. It would take me a long time to adjust to being some weird hybrid of both Bella's now.

A Bella _hybrid_?

I sound like a borderline schizophrenic.

I ignored how damp my pants now were from the fresh batch of snow. How long had I stared at each individual strand of ice coated grass? The way the flakes of ice melted and seeped into my clothing made my clothing stick to me like a damp second skin. The cold was really starting to get to me physically, yet, I couldn't move. It seemed like an impossible task at the moment, one I knew I would fail in attempting. I hated the isolation and emptiness that radiated off my body right now. I fought to remember during the entire time of my amnesia, and now I do remember… I wish I never did.

I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my entire life and that's_ really_ saying something.

Why does the concept of fire seem to be playing in my mind so clearly, as if it was etched to the back of my eyelids? Why am I obsessing over this so much it nearly consumed me like those imaginary flames? There was something I knew my mind was trying to tell me, but I wasn't getting it. It annoyed me to feel this… clueless.

The feeling of emptiness drizzled over me again.

Since I touched my blood flower and remembered everything, it hasn't left my side. As I stared out into the distance of the national park, the parchment-like flower was resting on my right thigh. I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn't process the magnificent beauty of the sun beginning to set for the day. Occasionally I'd stroke the petals that felt rough to the touch. Each time I touched the flower my thoughts led back to Edward.

"_Bella, remember."_

"_Remember what?"_

"_Me."_

He had whispered time and time again in my dreams.

I finally remembered him.

Edward. In my dreams he tried to save me.

…But then I woke up. I couldn't say the same for what he's done during my three months of amnesia.

I woke up to nothingness – a life without Edward. I couldn't say that here, in the real world where I was dreaming without sleeping, that he looked out for me. He continued to shun me away time and time again. And the last night, I could see the contradiction in his eyes. I just didn't realize what it meant at the time. How could I, really? I didn't know him but he knew me.

The worst part of it all was that I was right there! Right there in front of him and he fucking refused to see me! I may not have been the same Bella that he knew, but it was still me. Whether anyone believed that was the case, I didn't know. I know from my memories that there were remnants of me that slowly boiled to the surface as time went by. I still loved him. I felt it, each time I heard his name, or saw his beautiful face that still stunned me to this day. We could have still been together. I swear we could have made it work. We could have carried on still loving each other, and picking up the broken pieces of our lives that Renee destroyed... together.

But now, I didn't know what to think.

Maybe the pressure of having a psychopath for a mother finally took its toll on Edward. Maybe he finally realized that it was better to get away from me. I would have understood if he just explained it all to me – not turned away from me. I knew he wasn't coping with what happened to me at all. The three times I was in his presence, I could see it. He had lost so much weight. So much it worried me. He looked almost gaunt and he hunched his shoulders like the burdens of the world were placed on him. He rarely spoke in my presence. I could only imagine what that would mean were other people around. And his eyes...God, they were lifeless. All of the love and light were gone, replaced with emptiness.

Why would he torture himself like that?

In a way, it makes sense that Edward shut me out. I don't know how, but it did. Maybe because I know him better than anyone in the world but that doesn't mean I will ever truly understand why.

Could I forgive him for pushing me away?

I don't know.

Could we resume our relationship after this?

I don't know, either.

I gasped loudly as I realized what my mind was frantically trying to process for hours at end.

Edward…the one person in this world that I thought truly understood me…that I loved unconditionally was the one flicking a spark of fire in my direction.

He was unintentionally killing me.

And what about the entire Jacob situation?

_Fuck, I really do remember everything!_

I groaned out loud at the thought of Jake. I thought his infatuation with me had well and truly withered into friendship, and then he goes and kisses me? What the hell was he thinking? Holy hell, I hated to think of him hurting over me, but for fucks sake! Did he think this was his second chance or something? I love Jake in my own way... but it could never develop into anything more than friendship. The moment I lost my memory, he broke up with poor Leah at the chance to be with me? No wonder she hates me now! I had to make amends with her. I'm glad that the other me, even without a clue about the Jake/Edward triangle, knew that it was wrong when he kissed me. I couldn't try to love him, even if it were a possibility. It just can't happen. Not as long as I love Edward with the intensity I do right now. Like a blinding light shooting across the night sky. Like the blood that pumped in my veins to keep me alive. Like powder in a gun, igniting from the pull of the trigger.

Although my love for Edward burned as bright as it ever has, I couldn't condone all that has been said and done. I was hurt beyond belief. What the fuck was I going to do to fix all of this damage? Could I fix this damage?

"Oh God…" I muttered to myself, remembering a set of blue eyes that continued to haunt me for years relentlessly.

Renee.

The woman who has made it her ambition in life to end mine. I never thought that my visiting her just three days before my attempted murder would have warranted in her a desperate need for escape. I was fairly certain that in her seeing me healthy and well, it was her motivation to escape. It was like someone had injected her with a boost of energy – to do everything in her power to break free and kill me once and for all. She almost succeeded, and now she was still out there, three months later.

I shuddered involuntarily as if she pushed the knife deeper in my back.

She was out there, in the same town, watching me. Sauntering over me, like a sick game of cat and mouse. But this time she wasn't alone. She, Victoria and James obviously got a thrill from watching from a distance, biding their time. Then, when the time is right, they'll strike. They'll kill me, I just know it. The certainty of the thought should have scared the living daylights out of me, but if anything, I was flooded with momentary relief.

So long as they were out there… no… so long as they were alive… I couldn't live in peace. I just couldn't. I would be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life, and I couldn't do it. That was no way to live. I'd only been running for two years, even when Renee was in prison and it's exhausting. Doing that for the rest of my life isn't an option. I refuse for it to be.

I'd rather hunt them all down and fight for my life.

I thought back to the last time I really saw my mother, before she tried to kill me on my twentieth birthday.

"_I can't believe you talked me into this. You're shaking like a leaf, Bella," Rosalie said stiffly. "There's still time to walk away, you know."_

"_Too late," I whispered, my heart thumping painfully against my chest._

"_No it isn't. We can just stand up and walk away right now. It's that easy. You don't have to be here. You shouldn't be here."_

"_I can see her walking closer. It's too late."_

"_God damn it. We shouldn't be here!" She growled lowly._

_I sat anxiously in my seat, looking over my shoulder tensely. I could feel sweat trickling down the back of my neck and down my back so slowly it was irritating the hell out of me. I drummed my nails against the desk swiftly and ungracefully – showing the full extent of my nerves. The thick sheet of glass that would separate me from one of the most dangerous people in my past life didn't feel like it was enough to protect me. I knew the full extent of what Renee, my own mother, is capable of and I was scared. So fucking scared it made my body quake in trepidation._

_I don't know what the fuck I'm thinking by being here – by choosing to come and visit my mother in prison. I hadn't seen her since the trial when she tried to attack Esme while she was on the stand. That was over two years ago now. Two years and four months ago to be precise. _

_Renee had changed a lot since the last time I saw her, physically AND mentally. Her usually perfectly manicured appearance was blemished and extremely flawed. Her prison jumpsuit was loose on her already slender frame. Her blue eyes blazed with repulsion at the sight of me._

_There was nothing worth saving left in her. I should have known better by now. Why do I continue to torture myself over my mother? _

_I know the full extent of what she's capable of. I know what she wants of me. I know far too much of being a victim of hate for someone my age, yet here I am, with an unwilling Rosalie, making yet another mistake._

_This was a bad idea. A really bad idea. _

"_We shouldn't be here." Rosalie repeated. Her eyes were watching my mother's like a hawk._

_I confided in Rosalie and begged her to take me to see my mother. She refused to initially, but eventually consented. She even told me what I was doing was absolutely moronic and, although I knew she was right, I still wanted…needed to do this. We both agreed, without words, to never speak of this to anyone else. I wish that I had listened to her when she was adamant in her refusal. _

"_I know," I said, also staring at my mother, but with different emotions. When she reached for the telephone, I slowly mimicked her. I could hear her loud, wheezing breaths echoing into my eardrums. I furiously blinked away my tears._

"_Why are you here?"_

"_I'm not sure," I told her honestly. _

_Silence._

_Rosalie continued to stare coldly at my mother, not even moving for her cell when it started ringing. I cleared my throat in discomfort._

"_You look healthy," she said to me dully. I let out a breath of air I didn't know I was holding in. all I could do was nod my head. Was I going through shock right now? Just staring at Renee in her prison attire, being in this place, it petrified me. All of the memories of what she put me through bombarded me in slaps. _

_Slap, slap, slap._

_And although I knew I should have hated her with every fiber of my being – I couldn't. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to hate her. It would make this all so much easier. But if I can't hate Renee after all she has put me through already, I don't think I ever could. _

_Just thinking of the love I still felt for my mother hurt me to the very depths of my soul._

_I just wanted her to love me. I wanted to will away all of the hate and anger she held inside her – the hate she has for me. I just wished that I could somehow change what has happened to Renee and have her be how a real mother should. I want her to be a loving mother. I want her to love me unconditionally, like for some fucked up reason, I do. _

_And I'm a fucking idiot for still wishing such preposterous things._

"_I haven't seen you in a long time." She continued to say in a monotonous tone. "I wouldn't exactly count the court room as an encounter. Last time I really saw you was when you tackled me and broke my nose."_

"_And fractured your pelvis," Rosalie said proudly._

_I shot her a dirty look. She smiled innocently at me but her violet eyes gave away the venom she longed to inject in Renee's system. _

_Renee's eyes snapped toward Rosalie for just a moment before they trailed back to me. Renee then smiled; cold and calculating. It made my heart stop dead in my chest._

"_Hmm, yes. That, too." She leaned back into her chair and started to run her fingers through her knotty, blond hair. "Are you still with that other mental?"_

"_If you mean Edward," I said patiently, "then, yes. We're still together. We have been living together for a while now."_

_She laughed lowly and it sent my heart into overdrive. I always hated that particular laugh. It was one of the warning signs of her losing her shit._

"_You're both social misfits who are undeserving of walking freely within society. You share loaves of bread and make tea for the sane, and all the while, you're contaminating them with your evil. I, however, am cursed with the misfortune of being imprisoned in this god awful place. I hardly think of that as fair when you and your boyfriend are free to comingle with others."_

_Dear God, she's gotten worse. She's…completely insane._

_Pot calling the kettle black, I know, but I recovered… I think._

"_I have no idea what you're talking about, Renee."_

"_No need for the formalities. I'm your mother."_

"_Only by blood."_

_Lies._

"_You're more like me than you realize, daughter." She laughed again and ran her dirty fingers across the glass. The simple, but significant gesture made my body erupt in a cold shiver. Rosalie grunted, readying herself to drag both of us out of there in a second's notice. "You've done things in your childhood that are far more sinister than anything I could have ever done to you."_

"_Liar." My patience was quickly evaporating. She smiled again, showing the evil in her irises. "There is something very wrong with you, Renee. I just wish you could see that. You could then get help and get better."_

"_You think you're really better?" Her laugh was now maniacal. "There is no way you're better, Isabella. You are cursed. You are evil. You showed me that in your childhood. You're attempting to fight something that you can't win. Why do you think I've tried to save you time and time again?"_

"_You say that I'm evil, yet you're saying I'm like you. Are you saying that you're evil?"_

"_There's dark in all of us, Isabella." She provided no further explanation._

"_I am nothing like you." _

"_The sooner you realize that you are just like me, the better. Maybe then I'd actually like you."_

"_The only way you'll like me is when I'm six feet under, Renee."_

"_I only do these things to protect you even though you don't deserve to live in the world of superiors. You, my unfortunate child, shouldn't be alive. I regret ever having you."_

"_Tell me something you haven't already told me."_

"_Do you dream about me, Isabella?"_

_More times than I would care to admit. _

"_I don't dream about you."_

"_Maybe." She shrugged casually. "Maybe not. And just so you know, sweetheart, that psycho boyfriend of yours – he won't love you when he finds out the truth. Not that I believe for second that he loves you at all. He probably just wants to get in your panties."_

"_You're out of line. I haven't done anything," I said coldly, gripping the phone so tightly the plastic creaked and moaned. She laughed wickedly, running her fingers through her hair again. "Why are you so adamant in convincing me that I've done horrible things? I haven't done anything wrong, and you can't convince me otherwise."_

"_You have whore to add to the list, too. He'll leave you, and then you'll see how much of a burden you are in this world. Maybe you'll actually have the fucking balls to not chicken out of suicide next time. And there will be a next time. Slitting your wrists? Really? Talk about a cry for attention. You're pathetic."_

"_I've had enough of this," Rosalie said, pulling me up from my seat roughly. Although I was now standing, I was still holding onto the phone. I hated the fact that Renee was pushing my buttons so potently. And she knew it. The bitch definitely knew it. "Bella we are not coming here again. You understand me? And you," she addressed to Renee. "If anyone is a burden to society, it's you, you crazy bitch. Tax payers are feeding you, clothing you in those fucking hideous, but practical jumpsuits and providing health care and dental plans for you bastards. You have a bed to sleep in. You have security. It's times like these I wish this fucking state gave the lethal injection, because, you know what? I would be doing everything in my power to make sure I could see the life die from your eyes. Hell, I would inject you myself. I would pay to inject you with the substance that would send you straight to hell. You are the waste of space, you evil, psychotic freak. You are the burden to society, to this state, to this world. I hope you rot in hell, you fucking bitch."_

_Renee clapped her hands in delight at Rose's harsh words._

_I've lost her for good. She'll never recover from the insanity that has now possessed her._

"_You'll meet judgment soon. I'll make sure of that," she said to me before I threw the phone back down on the receiver and walked away from the prison ward._

"Bella?" A quiet, but stern voice sounded from behind me.

I couldn't find the energy to turn around. I knew I would be found here, it was only a matter of time. I just didn't realize it would be so soon. If I just left a note… I could have had more time…

Misery loves to suffer alone, in my case.

"What the fuck were you thinking, Bee?" Alice asked me angrily, sounding a lot closer than she had just seconds before. "Don't you fucking do that to me again! To any of us! How could you even think of pulling a stunt like this after what happened last night? Do you have any fucking idea how worried we've been about you? We had to call Charlie. He is fucking losing his shit right now! What the fuck were you thinking?"

I heard the words, but I just couldn't process them. I tried but it was like jamming puzzles pieces in areas that weren't meant to fit. I shook my head angrily, as if to clear out all the confusion. It didn't work, obviously.

"Bella?" The anger was gone and replaced with concern.

She touched my gently on the arm and I jumped in surprise. I blinked away my fresh tears, not wanting to cry in front of my Alice. I just stared at her in wonder and… happiness. I had my best friend back. I could tell that she missed me too. The distance that she didn't want to place between us was evident in her eyes. She wanted me back – and I was.

So why wasn't I telling her?

"Bee… Tell me what's happening?" She was scared. I could hear it in her voice.

"I'm sorry I scared you. I… I shouldn't have come here," I said numbly in response.

More silence.

She looked at me despondently. I could tell that there was something wrong, but I didn't push it. I don't think I could handle anything else going wrong right now. I would crumble and fall apart even more so than I already am.

"You've remembered something, haven't you?"

"What makes you think that?" Still numb.

"I can see it in your eyes. Please tell me what you remember."

"Nothing. I haven't remembered anything."

Unbearable silence.

"Bee? Say something. Anything." Fear.

"Where's..." I took a deep, deliberate breath. "Edward?"

Her eyes turned impossibly darker – almost pitch black.

"He came here with me… But he got a phone call. He had to leave. He'll be back soon."

My heart thudded violently against my chest.

"Is everyone okay?"

"Everyone that matters… But we both need to lay low around here for a few hours. Can I trust you not to sneak away from my sight tonight?"

_Fucking hell, she's talking to me like a two year old. Not that it isn't necessary. I _did _scare the shit out of everyone today._

"I'll behave," I whispered, looking away from my best friend, my sister, into the now dark sky, wondering whether our lives will ever be the same again.


	11. Chapter 10: Stop The Car

_A/N: I could go into a massive list of the reasons why I haven't updated this in months - so maybe instead, just accept my apology and I'll try not to be as slack from now on. I'm ready to wrap this story up, so don't expect too many chapters after this. As shit as this may sound - this is a filler chapter. The next one's the one you've all been waiting for. _

_There's no BETA for this chapter, so please excuse any/all errors you will more than likely come across._

**Disclaimer: I own zilch. **

**Chapter 9: Stop The Car  
**_Chapter Song: Stop The Fuckin' Car by Circa Survive _

* * *

_"Serendipity. Looking for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found_

_is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for."_

**_- Lawrence Block_**

* * *

**BPOV:**

Alice and I had tried to sleep for at least three hours before we decided (well more like, I begged on my knees for her permission, and she eventually caved in) to go outside and do some gardening. Despite the fact that only the outside lights were on, it was a beautiful evening. The yard was blanketed in powdered snow, the smell of rain in the air. I picked up stray branches that fell from the storm earlier in the day, and dumped them into the large gardening bin. Alice silently raked fallen leaves in a large pile. The colors were absolutely breathtaking, auburns, greens and even _red _leaves.

"I really appreciate this, Alice." I said in quiet gratitude, almost desperate for Alice to say something to me. She had only spoken to me directly just an hour ago – when she received a phone call from Edward – to inform me of the latest events. That was not before she went off at me for being completely irresponsible in running off without so much as a phone call.

I didn't understand why she was so furious with me – well I did to a degree, but in all honesty, I kind of think she's really overreacted to my _one _request. She sighed loudly and scraped the frozen ground.

I watched her heavy pants coming out of her mouth and around her like cigarette smoke escaping from the body after inhalation. She still refused to respond.

"I know that you made me promise to be good… But you need to understand…" I clicked my tongue in annoyance as she continued to rake loudly, as if to block out my words.

I placed a large branch under my left foot and on the top of the bin. My right foot applied pressure in the middle of the branch and snapped the piece of wood in half. I angrily threw the now two pieces in the bin and moved closer to Alice in quick strides. I was pretty proud of myself. I didn't trip over my feet once.

"Look, I know you're pissed off at me, Alice-"

Alice looked at me with grave concern – maybe even questioning my sanity. Shit, even _I _was wondering whether I was all there at the moment. She just told me something that had the potential to change my entire life once more – and I'm quietly raking leaves like it's just another day.

All those times I questioned my sanity previously was _nothing_ compared to now.

"Oh, I'm pissed off, that's for sure," she muttered. "but the fact that I just told you something _huge_, and you're worried about my anger worries me."

She finally looked at me with genuine fear in her eyes. I couldn't stand the sight. I frowned just slightly, looking away from her gray eyes.

"I don't really know _what_ to say." I told her truthfully.

Victoria – one of Renee's allies – was arrested trespassing outside of Charlie's home. I couldn't help but think of all the possibilities of what could have gone wrong, had she successfully entered the house. We were all there – sleeping helplessly and she could have killed us all, one by one. _No – don't think that way. It didn't happen that way – she was caught and we're all safe... for now. _What did this all mean now? Where were Renee and James? Are they both aware of her captivity? Would this make the game of cat and mouse more enjoyable for them – now we have one of their own?

"I honestly am worried." she said as she picked up leaves, discarding them in the garden waste bin. "You ran off this morning. Victoria was lurking the Swan residence. There's no one here expect for you, me and Jasper, and you're making us rake leaves at three in the morning. This isn't normal behaviour."

"I'm not normal."

"Bella, I'm serious."

"So am I."

"Bella," she spat. "Do you have any idea what Edward would do if he found out we were here in the middle of the night, _unprotected _and _in the middle of the night_? He would _kill _me. Did I forget to mention _in the middle of the night_?"

"He wouldn't do that."

"And all of a sudden, you know him?"

_Talk about hitting below the belt._

I tried with almost all of what little energy I had in me to try and keep my face composed, but the look of distrust in Alice's eyes made something inside me snap.

"I know him better than you think." I very nearly hissed at my once best friend. She stopped raking and her head snapped in my direction. Her dark eyes were penetrating and serious.

"I don't know _how _you think you know him, Bella, but you don't."

I've noticed she calls me _Bella _more than she does _Bee. _I don't know whether it was to distinguish that we are not the same person, or that she really doesn't feel connected to me anymore. I blinked rapidly, trying hard not to cry at the impersonal tone in her voice.

The words came falling out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"I think it's pretty obvious that I'm aware of the fact that Edward and I were together. You'd be an absolute fucking moron to think otherwise, considering there are photos all over the house. It's pretty easy to see in those photos how in love we were. I'm very aware how fucking hard these past months must have been for him – but what pisses me off more than anything? The fact that no one thought that I should know about this. Did you think that we weren't good together, or something? Did he want to leave me?"

Wow. I said things I didn't even plan on saying to her. It all kind of blended into a stream of screaming.

And why the hell wasn't she saying anything?

She was just staring at me with the same facial expression on her face. Like she was frozen, carved into stone. Her eyes sparkled with tears that eventually fell. She dropped the rake and took the three steps that were between us and hugged me as tightly as her tiny body could.

"You remember, don't you?" The same question she asked me just hours before.

Something flickered in Alice's eyes; a look I was all too familiar with.

The look of intuition.

"Isabella," she said seriously, leaning closer to me. We both decided to take refuge in the lounge until Edward came home. It was now three in the morning, and still no word from him, or anyone else. Jasper, who turned up an hour ago, was curled up on the floor with a sleeping bag. "When?"

I let my face become void of all emotion.

"When what?"

"When did you remember?"

I felt every muscle in my body tense with discomfort. I swallowed slowly, trying desperately to keep up the mask of nonchalance. I wasn't quite sure what was keeping me from telling Alice about my miraculous remembrance – but I wasn't going to ignore the feeling in my gut telling me to wait. I cleared my throat and twirled a strand of my hair around my index finger, hoping she would fall for my terrible lying.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean." _Lie. I know exactly what you're saying._

"There's something in your eyes – something I haven't seen in a long time. Even your demeanour." She gasped, leaning back. "You really _do _remember everything, don't you?"

I could have sworn my heart dropped to the deepest pits of my stomach.

"No."

"You're lying. You know how I know? You blinked twice after you said no."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You just did it again."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Alice." I said slowly, trying to make a statement to just drop it. A flicker of doubt pass through her eyes. My lying was getting better.

"You know you can tell me the truth, Bee." She whispered, wiping away her tears.

I didn't say anything as her phone started vibrating in her pocket. She reached for the bright pink cell in her jacket pocket, flipping it open effortlessly.

"Talk to me," she muttered.

I watched several facial expressions flutter across Alice's pixie-like face. Shock. Disgust. Anger. Seething. Loathing. Sadness. Numbness. Relief? Who the hell was that talking to her right now, and what was it about? What the hell could make Alice go through all of those emotions in less than twenty seconds? Did it have to do with Victoria?

"What's going to happen now?... No… No fucking way, Edward…" My heart squeezed and butterflies flew around in my stomach at the mere mention of his name. I wanted to yank the phone away from Alice and hear his beautiful voice. "Get the fuck out of there, okay? No, I'm fucking serious… No… And you're going to believe _her_?... She would have told you that, Edward!... Yes, I fucking believe that…"

_Who would have told him? What the fuck was going on?_

"All right…" Alice's eyes met mine for a brief second. "Yes, she's fine… Yes, inside."

A serious look from Alice.

"Okay. See you in ten."

She flipped her phone shut and linked arms with mine.

"Do you really not remember?" She asked sadly.

"I really don't remember." I sounded numb, but she took the bait. She sighed and gestured a head movement toward the house. She stressed with intense effort – she must be exhausted.

"I gathered that from the phone call. But we have ten minutes."

"He'll be here in five. Call it _intuition._" She smirked, mirroring my thoughts just minutes before.

* * *

I really thought long and hard about my feelings for Edward. They were absolutely, without a doubt, conflicted. I wanted him so desperately that my heart ached, but at the same time, I was so angry at him for lying to me that I wanted to throw something at him. How the hell was I going to act like I didn't know everything now, once I looked into his eyes?

Maybe I could just avoid all eye contact?

That sounds like a plan.

Right now I wasn't ready for the memories and all of the emotions that came with them punching me in the gut so roughly it made me gasp in agony. I mean, the Victoria situation hasn't even hit home yet – how the fuck was I going to be once I realized she was locked away for good, and that Renee would probably going psychotic now? And Victoria's husband.

I shuddered at the thought of what was headed our way.

In the five minutes that Alice and I spent alone together, we discussed the photographs around the house of Edward and I. As I told her during my rant, I saw them, and assumed that we were on the together. She wasn't exactly indulgent when it came to details, but she wasn't exactly discreet about it, either – after all, we only had five minutes of alone time before we heard the turning of the key in the front door.

When Edward came into the room, he froze when he saw me curled up on the couch. My chin was touching my chin, the right side of my body leaning against the white leather couch. Jasper, who arrived a few hours previously, was still passed out in his sleeping bag. He wrinkled his nose, rolling over sleepily. A photo frame of us two, the one I looked at hours before, was resting beside me on the table. Even if I didn't know Edward as well I did, it would be easy to read his facial expression. I wasn't looking at him, but I just knew. He was scared that I know about our past. Of course he'd assume that Alice told me everything. She almost did. She said she was holding back from telling me because she was scared, but what she, or anybody else didn't know, was that I already remembered.

I'm still not so sure why I'm keeping that fact from the ones I love.

My thoughts seemed to be on constant replay – _why, why, why?_

All of these questions with no fucking answers.

His light green eyes slowly trailed to Alice, his eyes asking what I knew. Her eyes answered his greatest fear.

_She knows about the extent of your love for her, _her eyes told him solemnly, _and she feels the same, Edward. She hasn't said so directly, but she subconsciously feels something for you. Told you so._

I stared at Alice, still afraid to look at Edward. It was my way of reading their communication. I didn't want to look into _his_ eyes, to feel the overwhelming feeling of sadness once I did. Alice looked so exhausted. Had she had a good night's sleep ever since this entire ordeal began? Had any of us? I closed my eyes, letting my head rest against the top of the couch. I spoke so quietly I wasn't sure whether they could hear me.

"Why don't you go to bed, Alice? You look exhausted."

"So do you, Bee." She almost whispered, evidently ignoring my offer for her to bail while she had the chance.

There was a prolonged silence that made me uneasy. I could tell what was happening – Edward and Alice were having a conversation about whether I would be staying here or not. I would be fucking damned if I have to spend another night away from _my _house. I spent too many nights away from this place, away from my home.

"Are you hungry, Bella?" Edward asked me nervously.

"Whatcha got?" I mumbled sleepily.

I could hear the smile in his voice.

"I can throw together a Chicken Bosciola, if you like. Won't take that long, if you can wait about fifteen minutes or so."

"Where's my invite?" Alice grumbled.

I smiled while nodding my head, hoping Edward was seeing it.

He did.

About thirty seconds later I could hear movement in the kitchen, rustling of pots and pans, the opening and closing of the fridge and his footsteps. It was immensely comforting… like how things used to be when it was his nights to cook for us.

It was just another punch in the gut at my own hands.

"Hey, is everything all right? You've been really quiet tonight, even for you." Alice was suddenly in front of me, kneeling at my side. I didn't even see her approach me. I must have spaced out. I smiled at the richness of that comment, wishing I could have asked her the same question… But it would have made it obvious that I remembered _something_ about the old Alice. I wasn't ready to divulge into all of that just yet, not before I talked to Edward first. "Besides the fact that you went completely bat shit tonight."

I chuckled sleepily.

"Hey, you went bat shit too. Just tired, I guess. None of us really got a good night's sleep last night."

"True that. I'm sorry I was such a bitch before."

"I wasn't exactly nice either, Allie. It's fine, really. Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," she murmured.

"I was thinking about that just before… What happened last night with Jake and Leah…"

Alice frowned, obviously not expecting that comment. She glanced toward the kitchen, where Edward was now chopping food, and then back to me. Her eyes were so light and clear and emotional.

"That's pretty… complicated." She explained weakly. "You have to understand that Jake has been in love with you since he saw you. He has always had this hope that you and Edward would stop seeing each other and he could be the knight and shining armor you don't see in him. You and Edward were kind of like the package deal, you know? I think he realized that and eventually started to date Leah. But when he found out you lost your memory…" She trailed off, shrugging.

"He manipulated the situation." It wasn't a question. The coldness in my voice even surprised me.

Alice laughed. "Definitely not. He's not smart enough for that."

"Aren't you both best friends, though?"

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. I was just planting more seeds for her theory of me remembering everything. I didn't want Alice to know that I remembered – not before I spoke to Edward first.

"How do you know that?"

_Fuck! I hate, hate, HATE lying. I'm so terrible at it!_

I swallowed loudly, mentally cursing the words the moment they left my mouth. I didn't seem to have a brain filter tonight. Alice never told me about her and Jake's friendship. It was only something that the old… new… me would know.

God damn. I need to think of a new way to explain the difference between both Bella's.

"Jake told me." I wondered whether I can get away with this one. She looked at me for a few seconds, before smiling and nodding her head. I mentally sighed in relief. I was off the hook… this time. She reached out for my hand and I gladly took it. She swung our hands, like the old days, and we took our time walking at a lollipop pace.

The aroma of chicken was fucking amazing. I never realized how hungry I actually was feeling until the smell hit me.

As Alice and I walked toward the dining room area, she told me things I never expected to hear from her about the world. It made me so sad… Something has changed in my best friend since my accident, and I'm praying to God it didn't have anything to do with me. Her eyes burned brightly in contrast to the dimly lit house. I could hear the occasional beeping of the home security alarm.

When did Edward have that installed? We never had the need for one before… You know.

"I wouldn't exactly consider Jacob my best friend anymore - especially after this entire ordeal with you and Leah."

"You say that like I reciprocated." I said nervously.

"No, not at all. It's pretty weird, actually, the way you reacted when he kissed you."

I groaned loudly, feeling my skin crawl at the thought.

"You heard about that?"

"You're joking, right? Of course I did! You forget you live in Forks, Bee. The grapevine spreads fast, especially when you're involved. Your name seems to attract attention like wildfire."

"I don't like hearing that. It's like saying '_where Bella goes, trouble follows._'"

"The old you didn't like attention, either. But until Renee gets caught, you better get used to it. This time the entire town is on watch for those three."

"The sooner she gets caught, the better." The most truthful thing I've said all day. I sat down at the table, my back to Edward. I still haven't looked at him, and I don't know how much longer I can keep this shit up. Alice sat opposite me, staring at me seriously. She twirled a grass bowl that fruit was in absentmindedly.

"Don't worry about her, Bee. Everything's going to be okay."

"I was just thinking about what you said… Tragic circumstances and such."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, I've noticed tragedy does one of three things – one, it unites. Two; it divides. And the third, which is the one I'm most familiar with… It doesn't change a damn thing."

"The mysteries of life." Alice laughed humorlessly.

"You mean injustice."

"I think this is my cue to leave," Alice said suddenly. "Jazz and I are sleeping in the spare room. Come wake either one of us up if you need anything."

_Guess I'm staying here for the night then…_

Alice kissed my cheek goodbye, and shared several hushed words with Edward in the hallway. I braced myself for the moment when Edward and I would be alone, and it would be inevitable that I would have to look at him.

"Bella," Edward said softly, "Dinner's ready."

* * *

To say that my dinner alone with Edward was awkward would kind of be an understatement. It would pretty much be the understatement of all the weird shit that has happened to all of us recently. It would have been almost comedic were it not so tragic. My best friend and my lover don't know what to say or do around me anymore. I felt like a stranger in my own body. I wanted to make all of this right but I didn't know where the fuck to start!

"How was tonight?" I asked, twirling the last noodle left on my plate around my fork. "Alice seemed to have gotten pretty shitty with you on the phone." I moved the noodle around my plate, mopping up the remaining sauce and plopping it into my mouth.

"It was okay." He said calmly. So in other words, Edward didn't want to tell me what was happening. I wasn't going to push it. I had my own secrets I was withholding from him.

"Okay," he said, almost throwing his fork down. "It was hell. It took almost everything in me not to snap the bitches neck in half. She's spreading lies about the entire situation, and I just wish they were all in custody, rotting together."

I nodded, still not looking him in the eye.

"So do I. Maybe life would resume as normal, then."

"Mmm."

Silence.

"Thanks for dinner. You make a mean Bosciola." I said, staring at my empty plate like it was the most interesting thing in the world. He cleared his throat nervously several times. I knew what he was trying to do and I wasn't going to fall for it. After a few minutes, he sighed and pushed his plate away from him.

"You haven't looked at me at all tonight."

"It's your imagination." I said lamely.

"If it's my imagination all you have to do right now is look at me."

"You're being ridiculous."

"Is this about the photos around the house? I know you know about you and I now…"

I bit my lip nervously, trying to blink away my tears.

"No… It's not about that, although it would have been nice to know the truth."

"I know. I'm so sorry."

"You don't need to apologize. What's done is done. I guess we just need to figure out what to do from here, you know? _If _we're going to do something, that is."

"Look at me, Bella."

"I've looked at you tonight." I lied.

"Bella," the way he said my name was like a caress. It left me breathless. "Look at me. Really _look _at me. Please."

I couldn't say no to him after listening to the tone in his voice. It was so sad, like my not looking at him was tearing him apart. Why didn't he show this side of him before last night? Why did he let me believe that he didn't love me, or even like me during those three months?

"Please look at me."

My eyes trailed his black leather jacket and white V-neck shirt, slowly trailing his throat. I took in his stubble, and the way his cheeks were slightly flushed, maybe from the heat of cooking in the kitchen.

I gasped and my eyes finally, very slowly met his green ones. My heart constricted and squeezed at the sight of his beautiful face. I longed to reach out and stroke the stubble across his jaw affectionately. I longed to kiss him, to feel his lips and his hot breath fanning against my face. I felt like staring into his vivid green eyes wasn't enough to satisfy my need for him. I missed him. There was no doubt about that. But what was I going to do now? I know I said I wasn't going to tell him, but the look in his eyes made me second guess my plan...

The look of hope.

"That's better." He whispered, smiling the smallest of smiles.

My cheeks blazed scarlet.

"You looked like you were in another world tonight. Do you want to talk about it?" His eyes never left mine.

"I remembered a memory," I said slowly, now looking back at my plate. "It was a few days before Renee escaped and… you know. I saw her."

Edward was silent for several seconds. I knew he was willing me to look at him, because I could feel his eyes burning into me. I ignored the tingling sensation that made my body flush scarlet. I played with my necklace, desperate to do something with my hands.

"What do you mean you _saw _her? Like a dream?"

"No. I actually saw her in person."

"Impossible."

"You didn't know. Rosalie went with me. I think that's the reason why she escaped prison. I saw her and she's out there somewhere, Edward… It's like… God! I'm too scared to even talk about it right now. It feels like she's a fly on the wall right now."

"There's no way she'll ever get near you." He said with coldness that I knew wasn't directed at me.

"God," I exclaimed, "I must be fucking crazy to even consider fighting her, because she'll win, Edward. How could she not if she's still around, completely untraceable?"

He pushed his hand across the table and I eagerly laced my fingers through his. I sighed softly,

closing my eyes. His skin was as soft as I remembered it… So beautiful.

"I won't ever let her get you." Conviction.

"You can't protect me forever, Edward. One day she'll find me. She's already so close. I wouldn't be surprised if she knew I was here right now."

"Tell me what you remember?" He asked, his fingers still laced through mine.

And so I did – I went into every detail about that afternoon Rosalie and I travelled to Seattle to see my mother. I told her each and every word she said to me, and although I could tell Edward wanted Renee's blood in a vile around his neck, he kept himself composed for my sake. I appreciated it even though I knew it was a façade.

We eventually migrated to the lounge room, the room dark except for the television. We barely sat near each other. We were both watching the television without really seeing, somewhat grateful for the way the idiot box blocked any chance at a conversation. Once it reached seven in the morning, I yawned.

"You ready for bed?" Edward asked groggily.

"Yeah, where am I sleeping?"

Silence.

"Bella-"

"Edward-" We both laughed nervously when we said each other's names at the same time, waiting for each other to go first. Eventually, he took initiation.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth."

I smiled sadly, feeling horrible for even considering being angry with him. He must have gone through hell these past few months. I couldn't be angry at him even if I tried. I couldn't keep this from him. There would never be an 'enough' button for me when it comes to Edward. Just the fact that he was still standing with me after all of this proves he feels the same. We just need to work through it all first.

He still loves me, and I was an idiot to even question it.

As my inner turmoil raged on, it blinded me momentarily, and then fizzled and burned into nothing more but ash. For a few sweet moments, there was no more thoughts in my mind about the situation. I realized something... It really didn't matter.

It didn't matter that Edward lied to me. He did it all because he loved me. _Loves_ me. He will always love me. And I will always love him.

He sighed slowly, looking away from me and up at the ceiling. It was a gesture that one would have to really know him to recognize. He was trying to compose himself, and doing an awful job at it. I silently stared at his jaw, his Adam's apple. It bobbed every time he took a breath or swallowed. The urge, the need to touch him was almost unbearable now.

I wasn't quite sure I could handle not touching or telling him much longer – not now I had my epiphany.

"Still tired?" I asked him, reaching for the car keys. He raised an eyebrow curiously.

"Not really, no."

"Good." I pulled at his hand, tugging him toward the front door. "There's somewhere I want to take you."

I wasn't going to waste anymore time – life is so uncertain, you have to do everything in your power to make sure you're living it to the fullest.

And right now, I was ready to resume the rest of my life with Edward.


End file.
